Posted by Deafmom on November 10, 2003, at 18:54:18
I have DID/MPD. I'm a multiple. (I also have psychotic depression, BPD, Avoidant PD, PTSD), so I'm a mess. Oh, yeah. And I'm deaf. My deafness was caused by self-harm. It is permanent and it is total. I hear nothing but the voices inside my head. I've learned sign language, but no one out there who sees me realizes that two alters deafened and tried to blind my body.
Halloween was a pill. Terrible flashbacks and abreactions. If that wasn't enough, my father's birthday was one week later and I learned terrible things associated with his birthday through even more flashbacks and an abreaction.
What makes things even worse is that Im losing so much time I'm losing my life.I can't have a decent conversation with another signer because I lose time and then can't follow the conversation. I can't say, "Oh, sorry. I dissociated for a minute." It happens so frequently that I simply look crazy (and feel it, too). Ten of my waking hours gone today. Don't know what happened. Don't know what (or even if) my kids ate lunch. Haven't a clue of anything.
I feel so useless. So worthless. I can't be intimate with my husband. When I am forward, all I want to do is sleep or stare into space. I can't communicate well (I can't lipread) and I have zero friends. So I'm completely isolated. So much so that I don't leave my house except to see my therapist.
I'm worthless. I'm losing my life...but it's a life I don't really want to live. How do I find meaning and purpose in myself if I can't even BE myself?
poster:Deafmom
thread:278341
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031031/msgs/278341.html