Posted by Susan J on October 4, 2003, at 12:52:54
In reply to Re: Please Help -- » Susan J, posted by Dinah on October 3, 2003, at 21:05:47
Hi, Dinah,
> Susan, I hope this doesn't upset you. But your brother sounds a lot like my husband.
<<No, I totally understand where you are coming from. K's self-esteem when she first met my brother wasn't too strong to begin with. And I'm sure that his OCD type behavior is enough to annoy even a person with extremely high self-esteem. Cuz if I were her and someone kept telling me I didn't do stuff right, it'd wear out my self-image totally.My brother *doesn't* tell her she didn't do it right. Instead he either redoes it, or never asks her to do stuff again and he just does it. But anyone with a few brain cells would see right through that and *know* it was an implicit criticism of their skills.
He's not blameless. I don't think if there are huge problems in a relationship that *anyone* is blameless. But he *is* going to a therapist now to see if his behavior contributed to the situation. I just wish K would get to one, too. I don't think there's hope unless they both get some better life-strategy skills, to say the least.
> So maybe your sister in law was both very happy with your brother, and totally miserable as well. And with my husband, he got way way worse with the cleanliness stuff and perfectionism stuff after my son was born.
<<I can see my sis-in-law being both happy and miserable, but I don't know if she knows *herself* well enough to sort out the bad from the good. And yes, I'm sure my brother's gotten worse since their kid was born, too. :-) I couldn't live with him when we were teens, and I'd never choose to do so now.> I hope she's able to work through it. Heck, I hope *I'm* able to work through it. But if she can't, don't think too harshly of her. She might be doing the best she can to survive.
<<I know. I really feel for her, cuz if she's going through pain anything like what I've gone through, then she's miserable. I just don't know if I can help. And still, the longer she goes without trying to at least clearly understand the situation, the angrier I get at her because I see how much pain it's causing my brother, and even though I've never had kids, I can see that it's starting to affect their kid. It's hard to watch how real life can turn a perfect little baby into someone who will grow up with *issues*. I know everyone does, but this is the first time I've seen it happen.But I totally emphathize with you. I've been on both sides of that coin. I just really *hate* seeing other people in pain because most of the time, there's absolutely nothing I can do to help alleviate that pain.
It's actually gotten worse for them, but I'm too exhausted to go into it. And I know that Dr. Phil is just a sound bite of therapy, but he said something that really struck a cord with me this week. You have to *earn* your way out of a marriage. Long suffering isnt enough especially when you have children. You need to look into every aspect of that marriage and see if you can fix it. And if you then come to the conclusion there's nothing else you can do, *then* you can leave with a clean conscience.
Susan
poster:Susan J
thread:261015
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031002/msgs/265523.html