Posted by fallsfall on September 29, 2003, at 16:48:40
In reply to Re: Please Help --, posted by Susan J on September 29, 2003, at 14:21:21
Being depressed, for me, meant that I wasn't perfect. And if I wasn't perfect then I wouldn't be loved; I would be rejected. Understand that this is just the way I saw it, your sister-in-law will have her own spin on it. Going to therapy - asking for help - was proving that I had failed. I should have been able to do it by myself. Somehow going to a doctor for a physical thing like back pain is different (though I now know that depression is physical, too - I really didn't know that then).
Therapy for me was realizing that I had limits. I was 38 and I honestly didn't know that I couldn't do whatever I wanted to. That was an amazingly crushing blow.
I understand completely your desire to make this all better. I really like being in control (because it makes everything come out the way I want it to - perfectly). And I panic when I'm not in control, because maybe someone else won't do it the right way and that would reflect on me. I do think, though, that for many people (and I don't know if she is one of them), it would be very demorilizing to have someone take over when you are already feeling vulnerable.
I think that the conflict of interest that you have between her and your brother probably means that you would do best to work in the background. If you have common friends, you could talk to them about how worried you are and give them some information about depression - and then let them talk to her.
Maybe you and your brother could look at an online test, or the DSM-IV criteria for depression and answer as if you were her. That might give you a better idea of whether you are accurate in your assessment. Your brother probably knows more about her day to day feelings and function than you do.
You could send her a card that says "I'm thinking of you and hope you are doing OK". This would tell her that you are on her side (even though she left your brother), but wouldn't "accuse" her of anything.
When I think that a situation is really important it is SOOOO hard for me to back away and know that it isn't my problem to fix. I am wondering if you feel that way, too.
> My biggest issue was that I was scared of what it would mean to be depressed. My logical mind said that if I ignored it, it wouldn't be true 8^).
I thought that I could fix it by myself and then noone would ever know. If I could fix it myself, then I was still perfect and they could love me.
This stuff is SO hard. It's really nice that you care.
poster:fallsfall
thread:261015
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030913/msgs/264279.html