Posted by Temmie on August 30, 2003, at 20:54:22
Tonight I went to see that movie about the “Friedmans,” but it was so depressing, I had to leave. What was I thinking?
I have a creepy, scary sort of feeling. Talking about Paul today ... then talking with him ... then talking with Andrea, the mother of his first-born, who’s convinced he’s still using, etc. – has left me feeling ... this sort of free-floating anxiety ....
I realize now, my depression has kicked in pretty badly, coupled with fear and panic and anxiety – and, truly, I just wish I could take a bunch of pills and go to sleep.
(Some nights I do.)
I realize ... tonight ... how ill and dysfunctional Paul seems to be. He had things so easy with me here in [hometown]. I paid half the rent. I paid for the phone. I bought all the groceries and did all the cooking.
He laid around – literally – smoking pot and drinking.
Then he left here, and went back to one of the women who’d filed the A&B charges. He lived with his brother for awhile, until his brother threw him out. I guess he probably stayed with Jane then, or camped .... He cheated on me .... If you can call it that. I mean, I thought we had a committed relationship, although things were certainly up in the air .... (And he kept his return to Jane a secret.)
Then I went out to see him again, and it didn't quite feel right ... but it seemed okay. I mean, it was still great seeing him, although I was content to leave him behind to settle his court matters, while I tended to things of my own.
Then Andrea gave him a place to live in her home ... until he started smoking crack in the house.
Now he’s back out on the streets. Or up in the mountains, should we say.
It just doesn’t seem possible that Paul can live a “normal” life. Apparently during his first trial he was adversarial with the judge ... and ... I can’t imagine. I can’t imagine going days without a phone ... without a bath ... without a kitchen ... or a bathroom ... or friends ... mail ... contact with others.
So walking back to my car in the dark tonight, after leaving that terrible and confusing movie – I started feeling this sort of unreality about my own life. Who am I?
I say that I know who I am, and I do – but I feel I’ve been living in such unreality ... including spending all this time on the computer (when I could be doing something productive or visiting with family). And living in my parents’ home, tonight – as many nights – has a ring of unreality about it .... As does returning to a job that I worked my tail off for last year, sometimes putting in 12-hour days (when I was only paid part-time, and a prorated salary at that). I worked and worked and worked and had to drop out of grad school because my job was so stressful and – you know what? My earnings last year were $14,000!
I spent all the money I’d saved for a house.
I’m stuck, in a home that is not quite my own .... My son is gone .... I’m making more money this year – a whopping $16-something – but ... still.
I don’t feel that I’m living in reality.
Unwashed and unshaven and isolated from friends and family, doing God knows what, at all hours of the day and night, having his things stolen – and – being so alone – I suppose Paul’s next trial is not going to go well .... And I wonder.
Would I know anymore of who I was were I in his shoes? No books. No TV. I wonder if he’s praying ... if he’s talking with God ... and I know I should be doing the same, so I’m not so free-floaty, but plugged more into my center.
Fallsfall, you talked about anxiety that you wouldn't be able to see your therapist, and I understand. I met my new therapist over a month ago -- and I don't have my next appointment until the third week in September! Where are we supposed to go for help?
I guess I need to go back to the meetings. I fell out of contact with the recent travels to California. I guess I should start chanting and praying again. I fell off from that, too. I guess I should, you know, "chop wood and carry water" or whatever it is people do to help ground themselves in the lives they're living.
I feel so creepy and out-of-control tonight.
Temmie
poster:Temmie
thread:255775
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030829/msgs/255775.html