Posted by Tabitha on July 24, 2003, at 22:10:21
More distress, similar stuff as yesterday, it's getting me down to be in my last days on the job and waiting for the leave to be approved or not. My best 'friend' from work had been on vacation for a month, returned and I wandered down to the group gathered in his office and he immediately made a joke at my expense. Later I was around again and he made some remark about women and golf that was just dumb. I don't know if something's up causing him to be jabbing at women all of a sudden, or I'm just more sensitive than usual but it hurt. The guy was vacationing in his home country of Turkey, maybe he soaked up some old-school sexism or something. He hasn't been this way around me before. Anyway I was eager to confide in him about quitting, since I haven't told anyone else besides my bosses, and after this stuff I didn't want to confide in him at all, so I feel alone.
Last night I called my ex-boyfriend, out of lack of any other friends available (we've agreed to 'be friends' but I've really been wanting to minimize contact) and it didn't really leave me feeling good. I'm imagining he'll be glad to discover that I'm a little down, since I rejected him. His life seems fine now, which also hurt. I expected him to be the more devastated one, and maybe he has been, but if so he successfully hid it, he seems happily absorbed in a burst of renewed artistic creativity with his painting. The conversation left me more down. When I talk about my career woes I just assume he's feeling smug for not having a real job. When I say I'm angry at my coworkers I imagine he's feeling smug because his religious beliefs tell him to never be angry. Yup, it was a mistake to call him. Now I imagine I just gave him ammunition to feel superior. Another person's ego fed at my expense.
I'm trying to avoid calling my therapist for a phone session, since I want to cut back that expense, but I'm at a point where I'm seriously thinking of buying some alcohol and medicating with that, though it's on my list of unhealthy coping mechanisms, to be avoided.
I've typed my little fingers out the past couple evenings with my woes. Still feel really really not so good.
Guess I'll call the therp after all, but then I have to log off and wait all evening for her to maybe return my phonecall.
poster:Tabitha
thread:245041
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030719/msgs/245041.html