Posted by kara lynne on July 18, 2003, at 3:00:28
I felt like I went through one of the worst periods of withdrawl from him last night-- and survived. Is it a coincidence that at *that* point he calls--not once, but seven times? He left messages starting with the weight he's lost, graduating to how he's missing me (guess he was having a lonely moment, poor thing...), and finally asking me to go out for a "nice dinner" at my favorite resaurant. By the last message his tone was sarcastic. The messages spanned from last night to tonight and I didn't answer any of them. He was clearly pissed.
I called my counselor at home (10pm and we spoke for an hour). After that I did one of the hardest things I've had to do and wrote an email to him. He won't have his email set up for a few days, so now I'll have the agony of knowing it's waiting for him. I wrote:
"Although it makes me quite sad to say this I must.
I don't want to re-engage in a relationship pattern that is extremely painful for me. You have made it utterly clear that you do not want what I want. Not only do you not want what I want, you insult it. You distort what I mean and you denegrate who I am. You are more invested in making me wrong than you are in making love to me. I don't see how a friendly dinner is going to change this.
If I can't expect a commitment from you after five (or twenty five) years, then I'd rather not expect dinner either. If you call that an ultimatum, fine.
I don' t ever want to have to worry again about such fundamental things as whether or not I'm respected, whether my mate will stay in contact with me, or most importantly--whether or not he *wants* to stay in contact with me. Whether or not he truly, deeply wants to be with me. Has more of an interest in making things work, rather than making constant excuses for why he shouldn't have to. I want to be a choice-- not an ultimatum.
I love you. Truly, madly, deeply. I wish things had worked out between us.
But they didn't."
Ok, so it wasn't a masterpiece, but it was hard to write and even harder to send. The idea that I really have to let go puts me back in that pain I was in yesterday. I have to keep reminding myself of what it was really like, and questioning whether or not I'm worth more than an occasional dinner.
I wanted to go to dinner. I was so elated to hear the messages--suddenly everything was ok again, I could breathe. How could I have sent that email? I can't let go of the hope, although I was just beginning to when he called. I wish he would come to me with something real-- although my therapist says he should have done it long before this. He should have apologized at the beginning. He should have showed up with a ring. He should have come to me when I was in the worst pain, rather than waiting until he got a twinge of loneliness. She doesn't think it's possible, but I can't let go of that hope.
But if I went back, and went to dinner, and went to bed, and stayed at his new castle--we'd be right back where we started. He'd say he was just about to marry me, but I did something wrong, or ahem, still wouldn't cook. Those dinners would backfire.
So will my email, I'm sure. I expect a nasty response that will leave me feeling desperate and self blaming. Then I can say if only I hadn't written it, and simply gone to dinner, everything would have worked out.
My counselor suggested he might be more likely to say, "Marry me, c***". It's pretty appropriate-- I need to remember the reality.
I'm sorry for my conflicted ramble. I'm not doing this well. I will go read my new books on narcissism and stopping self hate.
poster:kara lynne
thread:243088
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030713/msgs/243088.html