Posted by pedr on January 10, 2002, at 7:06:13
In reply to Re: fear of depression, posted by Mair on January 9, 2002, at 16:00:32
> Pete - I, too, suffer from chronic major depression and was recently started on a mood stabiliser. I think they are now used with unipolar depressions as well. I can't say I've been on it long enough to know whether it's making a difference.
>
> Alot of my depression has been guilt about having depression and self criticism for not getting over it more quickly. It's led to this theory of mine, that my therapist keeps trying to debunk, that I perpetuate my own depressions - somehow if I really wanted to and really tried to, I could get rid of it. Sometimes I've even wondered if I'm like those misguided girls in colonial Salem - so bored that depression for me is like witchcraft was for them.
>
> If anything has perpetuated my depression it's fear of taking risks or fear of the unknown. I don't quit my job because my depression and its anxiety component make me feel like I can't do anything else or wouldn't be able to convince anyone to hire me, but staying in my job perpetuates my depression because it's filled with depression triggers. Additionally, although i live with some level of depression all the time, the fear of sinking into a really deep one is always there.
>
> As for taking notes - my therapist never did and I was always amazed by her ability to remember things. However i did go through a really awful period almost a year ago, the result of which is that she started wanting to see me twice a week and she started taking copious notes. Since she's writing all the time, i don't wonder so much about why she's choosing to write about one thing or the other. I think mostly she's writing what i say so she can throw it back up at me later. It can be disconderting but i'm pretty used to it now.
>
> MairMair,
your situation sounds very similar to mine. Both therapists I see now believe I should stop paying such attention to thoughts and moods and focus more externally. I strongly disagree with both of them as for 5 years I purposefully ignored my moods and beliefs and quite frankly I don't know how I got through those years.I know what you mean about triggers at work. Work basically means lots of painful anxiety and depression for me [e.g. I can't do this work therefore I am worthless, this work is boring and will get me depressed, I must do this work faster and so on] but the alternative is to stay at home. Staying at home would likely invoke my convictions that being bored or too housebound will drive me to the depths of depression. "Between a rock and a hard place" is the expression I believe.
As for self criticism for not recovering more quickly, it generally depends on how I'm feeling. When low I think that there must be something intrinsically wrong with me - I've had all this therapy and drugs, put *so much* effort into challenging unhealthy beliefs and yet I still end up in a bad way most days. When feeling better, I can see that I have depression which is a mental illness and it's not fair to persecute someone for not making much progress when they're mentally ill.
I'll ask my psychiatrist about mood stabilizers when I next see him, could be worth a pop.
Thanks and best wishes,
pete.p.s. Mair is a good Welsh name, any Welsh connections?
poster:pedr
thread:16440
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020102/msgs/16595.html