Posted by Noa on November 13, 2001, at 15:58:02
In reply to Re: Anyone else have shame attacks? » Adam, posted by Dinah on November 12, 2001, at 14:46:31
I've always had these cringe attacks. I can remember being 10 years old and suddenly being seized by a memory of some faux pas I committed and being flooded with shame. I think in some ways, this has gotten better over the years for me--I got to a certain point when I could look at old photos, read old letters or journal entries,etc. without cringing, even think of those old faux pas and forgive myself. Also, with time, I was able to see how some of those horrible cringe moments really weren't all my fault, etc. even though I used to see it that way.
But I still do have shame episodes based on something more internal than a faux pas moment--deep down shame about wanting, about being unlovable, coming in part from being shamed for expressing want, expressing feelings, etc. For me, I think it is partly due to how my parents (mostly my mother) responded/didn't respond to my feelings (little tolerance for children's feelings, very critical of just about everything), but also on my constitution--I think of myself as having a hypersensitive amygdala--alert to nonverbal cues of emotional approval or rejection---emotional response much quicker/stronger than thinking response. This is a bad combination--child with hyper-amygdala in emotionally repressed/hypercritical family. Ie, shame. Anyway, that is how I think of my story, in a nutshell.
It did used to cripple me to worry about what other people were thinking, and somehow, somehow I have managed to not care so much, so as to not have to cringe at all my foibles all the time. It does still surprise me when a friend will be hung up on how others will judge her if her clothing isn't just so. She readily admits she judges others that way, while I tend to think people are way too busy with themselves to notice every little thing about me, and if they do, I no longer care about the opinion of some stranger who bothers to care that I don't look just right or something.
We all say and do stupid things sometimes. Most things are not irreversable, though. And I really do think that for the most part people are more forgiving than we are of ourselves. And impressions are based on an accummulation of encounters, not just the one where you made the big blunder. A lot of times that big blunder seems so huge and important and then you find out the other person barely noticed.
poster:Noa
thread:13304
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011105/msgs/13864.html