Posted by JennyR on September 9, 2001, at 19:09:31
In reply to Re: Sex, committment, old lovers, regrets -- all that, posted by susan C on September 9, 2001, at 18:40:03
I had e-mail contact with my first love from junior high and high school. We were incredibly compatible but stayed friends because we thought if we became a couple that early that would be it for life and we would miss out on so much of life. We made a pact that when we were 30 or 40 if we hadn't found anyone to marry, we'd get married. In college we got out of touch. I'm turning 44 now. About a year ago I looked him up, did a web search, found his website and e-mail address. He's still single. I'm married for 17 years. We corresponded for a while til I saw what he was STILL doing with every woman he meets, holding back, afraid to commit, then wondering why he's single. He got pissed at me for giving advice (maybe I did overstep) and he also said the things I was recalling meant more to me than they to him and he didn't even remember the pact. We're out of touch and I wish I hadn't reached out. Just another thing to be sad about.
Anyway, on the sex thing with your current boyfriend, here's some unsolicited advice. Don't under-estimate the importance of the lack of sex on his part. I lived a virtually sexless marriage for most of my marriage because of my husband's hang-ups. He started the boycott on our honeymoon. It is all about issues about manhood, masculinity, the father who divorced his mother to be a playboy, the time he caught his mother and stepfather "doing it" and he thought he was hurting her, etc, etc, etc.
Bottom line is it did a whole lot to make me very, very unhappy for many years. We're a little back into the swing of things the last couple of years, but this area was way more satisfying in prior relationships. It would be nice to think sex doesn't matter, but it can be something that really binds you or is a real source of resentment and problems.
poster:JennyR
thread:11024
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010909/msgs/11042.html