Posted by Racer on September 9, 2001, at 14:09:45
Weird, isn't it? Recently several people have mentioned an old lover of mine, someone I hadn't thought of in years. Almost 20 years, actually. Then I wrote to him, and he wrote back. He'd like to meet, and I'd like to see him, too, but I have some -- terrors, actually, but let's call them "concerns", eh?
For one thing, I'm involved with someone now who is wonderful, tries so hard to be understanding of my depression, pushes me to keep going when I need it, helps me set limits on how far down I can sink before really fighting back, and shares many of my interests. That sounds more like a nursemaid than a lover, but I've never laughed so much with anyone in my life. The stupidest things can set us off, and I've never been with anyone who recognized all my jokes, even if he doesn't always get them. We do have problems, though, and one of those problems is jumping up in a big way over this situation.
See, the old lover was exciting. Sexually exciting. No man has ever excited me so much before or since. Don't ask me what made the difference, since other men have done what he did, it's just that it only felt good with him. I'm excited and satisfied by my current love, but only when we actually make love -- which hasn't been for more than six months now! I've tried to initiate things, I've tried to talk about it, I've told him that I have a problem with this, but he says he's just so stressed from work, that it's not me, etc. Every time work calms down a bit, another crisis comes up for him. He denies anything else is going on, but something else is obviously going on. Not in the sense of another lover, that I trust. But something inside him, and I can't convince him to discuss it with me.
Anyway, the problem is that I am truly in love with this man. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, forsaking all others. On the other hand, I'd love to see the old lover, catch up, throw back a few beers and belt out a few chorusses of "Those Were The Days" together. I don't think he'd be interested in trying to relive those knee-weakening encounters, hell, I don't even know if he was ever excited by me nearly as much as I was by him! I'm just afraid that I'm going to come home crying over what was and can never again be.
Damn, someone say something, please? In the end, I'll doll myself up (as well as I can these days), have a cup of coffee or a lunch with the OL, and come home ready to cook and clean and care for my True Love.
Maybe my real question is what the hell do I do with the man I have and love now? He's out of town right now, but when he comes back I'm going to suggest strongly that we see a marriage counselor or a sex counselor. He says all sorts of things, but won't DO anything. I'm so frightened that I'll find he doesn't really want me. Maybe that's why I haven't pushed so far.
Argh! Thank God for people who understand these thoughts and fears. Thank you all, and Thank Bob, too, I guess. I'll be waiting to hear everyone's input, and watching Finian's Rainbow, with Tommy Steele, while I wait. Petula Clark really was lovely, wasn't she?
poster:Racer
thread:11024
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010909/msgs/11024.html