Posted by susan C on August 29, 2001, at 15:55:20
Dear Cindy and Anne and etc.,
I took Willow’s cue and went off line to write this. Both of you ask very big questions about children and relationships; anger and frustration; mothers and fathers; children and parents; decisions and action.. I cannot answer them for you, only give opinions (that are like elbows, everybody has at least two) and I can only describe what happened to me and perhaps you can gain some twenty-twenty hindsight.
I am 50 years old. In my twenties, my significant other and I had decided to not have children, after all, any moment the world could be destroyed by nuclear bombs. Then, I hit 27-28 and MY clock started ticking VERY LOUDLY. I realized then that when I grew old, I would regret not having had kids. I also felt it was important for smart people to have kids, and I felt if I were going to have a child, to make a family, I should have two. Don’t forget I had been with my mate for seven years, we had made the commitment to spend the rest of our lives together and I KNEW he would be a good father. I did not want to do this on my own. I have friends who are what I call ‘intentional mothers’ women who have children but do not want a relationship with a man for whatever reasons. I could not do that. I also accepted that money was not an issue. Poor people have kids. We did not need to wait, ‘til we had enough money’ to start. I didn’t think about it then, but I realized later, that no one I knew was having kids, or starting a family. I was very alone for a long time. I did not have a ‘support system’ in place. My family, my mother and siblings live a long ways away.
Do you know that 50% of all pregnancies are intentional?
I-I-I this response is full of ‘I’ but it really was ‘we’. My spouse and I decided together. I decided to be a stay at home mom. After a month or so went by after the birth of our first child…I was distraught. Everyone was calling me ‘mom’, I felt like my identity was gone. Later I realized everyone thought it was a compliment to call me ‘mother’ all the time, but at the time, for me, it was upsetting. Now, I look back and I realize how difficult that time was. My husband said every Sunday, you take the evening off. I will take care of the little one. So, off I went, to movies, to walk, to shop, just to sit somewhere with a cup of tea.
We had planned to have the second child 2 to three years later. With gallbadder and foot operations, it was four and a half years later that my second was born. By the time he got out of diapers, they were so threadbare you could see through them. And, I celebrated. I have often wondered if we could have had 5 kids during that time, and would it have made any difference? Would it have been as much of a challenge. I admire people who have more than two kids, I am in awe.
Do you know that Estrogens are convulsants and Progesterone is an anti convulsant and that pregnancy can bring on seizure there for mood changes because of shifts in hormones?
I would not trade my children for the world. They were, are, hard work, the hardest work I have ever done in my life. I could not have done it without my spouse, nor would I have wanted to. I don’t think I could have done it any earlier in my life, I don’t think I would have started much later. I would like to think if I were unable to have had children myself and still felt the need to provide a home to someone, I would have adopted, but looking back, realistically, I think I would just not have had kids.
If I know what I know now about my illness, I think I would not have had children. There, I have said it. Hopefully, my children will not carry it forward. That my spouse’s even temper and good nature canceled out my moodswings and brain illness. On the other hand, see the previous paragraph.
On the other hand there have been great advances in medicine, just for Cindy to be aware of the liability of increasing mood problems with additional pregnancies is reasurring. Perhaps you can prepare, now that you know this challenge lays before you.
I have dealt with this illness all my life, sometimes are good, sometimes very bad. For those times that were difficult for my children, I apologize and at the same time I think, it showed them I was human, fallible, fragile.
If it were me, knowing what I know now about myself and I was 38 deciding whether or not to have a second child let alone a second, I would not do it. I qualify that statement with, if I had a full-time nanny who would never leave and was god’s gift and unlimited money and and and. Perhaps the grass is always greener on the other side. I would make the decision and never look back. Regrets for decisions, unfortunately is one of the symptoms of my illness.
What do you want? Knowing your symptoms will be worse, will you have a support system in place? (I didn’t)
What does your husband think, feel, desire?
What do you want, really really want? (You have my permission to be self-ish)In closing, my sister in law and brother were 45 last year when they had their second child. Their first is 10. They will be 63 when the youngest is 18.
As you can see I am ambivilant.
Join other babblers on chat, be sure to sign up and test everything a head of time.
Been there, done that,
Susan C. Alias Mighty Mouse (I never noticed if he had a family?)
poster:susan C
thread:10457
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010825/msgs/10457.html