Posted by AKC on August 12, 2001, at 16:20:23
In reply to Re: More on aloneness » AKC, posted by Kingfish on August 12, 2001, at 16:00:32
> So happy that you are back. I was very sad when you decided to take a break, not certain how long it would be. I understood why, though.
I had planned to be away for awhile. But I, like Willow, cannot stay away. :)
>> I, too create the situation, the reason that I am alone a lot. When I feel strong, I don't mind being alone, but then when I feel strong, I tend to be more outgoing, and around others more.
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> But the reason the phone doesn't ring, at least for me, is that I have created relationships where I have to be the one to instigate it. I guess that I thought I fooled everyone "darn good" but really they noticed I was hiding a lot of the time.
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> Your tone sounds very different, very down. The suicidal thoughts are very upsetting, and so many of us here understand those. I, personally don't think anything horrible in an afterlife would happen to a suicide, but there's always the aftermath here. Your pets, at the very least, and I'm sure they're like family to you, as they are to me.
>You are so right about the pets. I have been spending a lot of time with them. Sometimes when I get in a bad spot, I will just ignore them as well. But this time, I have been holding onto them very tightly. I guess they are one connection to reality.
> I think your meds are acting crappy, like mine are right now. I need to go back to a point in the spring when the Topamax was helping more but I have to have something to counteract the sedation. Wow, how did this get to be about me? ;)
>The sad part is that I have never had but a few weeks at a time -- well, take that back. There was a time last year I had about three good months. But it seems that we get me to a good point for a few weeks and then something happens. This time it seems to be purely med driven. In the past there has always been some huge trigger. The bar exam, a intense counseling program (last summer), a hearing before the Board of Law Examiners, surgery, or something. So then we mess with my meds. I seem okay for a few weeks or a month or so, then wham, it happens again. I just don't feel able to keep doing this -- I don't mean to upset you with the suicidal talk. I'm not there yet - it just is part of the dark space I am in at this time.
> I would rather not spend time with anyone who would drain me, like it sounds this person might have done. Better to be alone, and try to determine how to meet folks who will be mutually stimulating and helpful. And this board is a lifeline of sorts. :)
This friend is really cool to be around -- she is just never available. She probably is not much different than you or I in that she isolates a lot. One difference is that she makes plans and then cancels, where I would not make them. I would have rather she never offer. It plays with my weak psychy.
I am hoping I learned something last week about the board. First, I am not going to jump out there on a limb and necessarily help just anyone -- at least with my heart on my sleeve as Cam would put it. It is easy to talk about my experiences with a med, but I am going to be a little more reserved offering my other experiences. Yet, I am going to "cry" more here on PSB and not be so sensative if people don't respond. My therapist wants me to write more. This is one place I can do it, and there are some really neat people here, like you and Willow and others. This is more like my group therapy -- people on the board know what I am experiencing. That is not often the case with people in AA.
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> Glad you're back.
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> - K.It feels good not to have stayed away very long. I appreciate all the kind things you said about me in my lurking absence.
AKC
poster:AKC
thread:9358
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010812/msgs/9373.html