Posted by rmshed on June 16, 2001, at 14:02:44
In reply to I'm too scared to ask for help, posted by Rach on June 13, 2001, at 7:41:14
> I am petrified. I feel so alone. Loneliness is eating a hole inside my soul.
>
> I am a terrible person. I have lied to my friends, who I love dearly, and I have deliberately, physically hurt myself.
>
> I have again messed up at a new job, and will probably find I don't have a job tomorrow. And I don't know if I am happy with that or not.
>
> I was doing so great, too. I don't know what happened. I was on top of the world, then BAM everything is crushing on top of me.
>
> Just so lonely. My family is all travelling overseas. My friends all have their own lives and significant others. I have estranged myself from the one person who understands best. I know I'm not in a state to have a signficant other, that anything started when I'm so needy would be a huge mistake. But I can't help wanting it.
>
> I just want someone who will care about me enough to drop everything, just to come and hold my hand when I'm in trouble.
>
> Last night I cut myself for the first time. Twice on the wrist. Very superficial wounds - I can't even succeed at hurting myself - but the urge to slash away was so insistent.
>
> This morning I kept hitting myself in the eye, and told my friends that I fell and hit my head. I now have a splitting headache, increasingly worse nausea, scratches and lumps on my eye, and two scratches on my wrist. I didn't go in to my second day of work, and didn't ring them. How can you explain that type of thing?
>
> I'm too afraid to ask for help, because I don't want to admit that I'm such a disgusting liar, and that I am so insane as to physically stand in front of a mirror and repeatedly hit myself. And I'm terrified that now I have crossed the line to physically hurting myself, that I won't be able to stop from doing it again.
>
> To all those that know me, I am sorry for disappointing you. I can't even post this at lotl or haven because I don't want to admit to you guys that things aren't good. Because they were just starting to get brilliant, and I was just starting to get happy.
>
> I really don't know what happened.I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in the way that you think, I know that by telling you that, doesn't help you. I have lost several good things in life due to my emotional instability. I have also done some things in my life that I am not proud of. I am my own worst critic. I feel for you. I have injured myself several times. The last time was last July, my boss decided to take her bad day out on me. I couldn't deal with it and cut both of my arms, and chest in about 40 places. I now wear long sleeve shirts regardless of the weather. I also spent 7 pure days of hell in a behavorial science unit in a local hospital. I needed to be there and went on my own. But I found out, that I wasn't insane and my problems were very small compared to those of the other patients there. They put me in a room with a person who thought she was having babies for the mob. She also stood over my bed and told me she was homicidal. I asked to be moved and I was. But what I discovered was that this woman whom I will call Pam, was terribly disturbed and very sick. I left the hospital and returned to my own apartment and my own car. I am sure she doesn't have either of them. I realize now that sometimes our own level of mental illness is never duplicated, and we are all unique.
I hope that somewhere you find some peace.
Take Care.
Becky
poster:rmshed
thread:6414
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010611/msgs/6473.html