Posted by Deb R on June 13, 2001, at 10:45:27
In reply to Re: I'm too scared to ask for help-, posted by tina on June 13, 2001, at 9:45:39
Tina,
Its wonderful how you are trying to help Rach, when I know you aren't feeling so great yourself...you are a terrific person, bless you.
Love,
Deb.> Rach hunny
> You could never disappoint me or anyone else at haven or lotl. I wish you'd let us know this before but I'm glad you are "letting it out" somewhere.
> I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I know where you are and I have been there many times. I too have the unending desire to cut myself or just generally do damage to my own body. I am in a self-loathing stage right now too. I lost my job a little over 2 weeks ago because of my inability to control this disease that I have. There are always other jobs sweetie but there is NO other Rachael and I truly love this one and don't want her to change one bit.
> I know what you are going through is very hard. The road to recovery is very long but you have to give yourself permission to fall every once in a while. You won't stay down forever but the very nature of the illness that grips all of us is such that you may take a couple steps backward in proportion to the many steps forward. Give yourself a break Rach. No one is completely cured in a perfect way. We all just muddle through as best we can, slipping, sliding, tripping, and getting up when we fall. You'll get up again. Just give yourself time. i know you aren't on any meds right now and it may be time to try them again, I don't know. My dad's depression comes in spurts. He doesn't need medication all the time and only needs to take it when he is in a "down" period. This may be the case with you.
> I promise you that if you talk to us at haven, you will get unconditional support. No one will be disappointed and no one will judge you.
> You are NOT alone Rachael, hear this, you are NOT alone.
> please keep talking.
> love you
> Tina
>
> > I am petrified. I feel so alone. Loneliness is eating a hole inside my soul.
> >
> > I am a terrible person. I have lied to my friends, who I love dearly, and I have deliberately, physically hurt myself.
> >
> > I have again messed up at a new job, and will probably find I don't have a job tomorrow. And I don't know if I am happy with that or not.
> >
> > I was doing so great, too. I don't know what happened. I was on top of the world, then BAM everything is crushing on top of me.
> >
> > Just so lonely. My family is all travelling overseas. My friends all have their own lives and significant others. I have estranged myself from the one person who understands best. I know I'm not in a state to have a signficant other, that anything started when I'm so needy would be a huge mistake. But I can't help wanting it.
> >
> > I just want someone who will care about me enough to drop everything, just to come and hold my hand when I'm in trouble.
> >
> > Last night I cut myself for the first time. Twice on the wrist. Very superficial wounds - I can't even succeed at hurting myself - but the urge to slash away was so insistent.
> >
> > This morning I kept hitting myself in the eye, and told my friends that I fell and hit my head. I now have a splitting headache, increasingly worse nausea, scratches and lumps on my eye, and two scratches on my wrist. I didn't go in to my second day of work, and didn't ring them. How can you explain that type of thing?
> >
> > I'm too afraid to ask for help, because I don't want to admit that I'm such a disgusting liar, and that I am so insane as to physically stand in front of a mirror and repeatedly hit myself. And I'm terrified that now I have crossed the line to physically hurting myself, that I won't be able to stop from doing it again.
> >
> > To all those that know me, I am sorry for disappointing you. I can't even post this at lotl or haven because I don't want to admit to you guys that things aren't good. Because they were just starting to get brilliant, and I was just starting to get happy.
> >
> > I really don't know what happened.
poster:Deb R
thread:6414
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010611/msgs/6422.html