Posted by Rach on June 13, 2001, at 7:41:14
I am petrified. I feel so alone. Loneliness is eating a hole inside my soul.
I am a terrible person. I have lied to my friends, who I love dearly, and I have deliberately, physically hurt myself.
I have again messed up at a new job, and will probably find I don't have a job tomorrow. And I don't know if I am happy with that or not.
I was doing so great, too. I don't know what happened. I was on top of the world, then BAM everything is crushing on top of me.
Just so lonely. My family is all travelling overseas. My friends all have their own lives and significant others. I have estranged myself from the one person who understands best. I know I'm not in a state to have a signficant other, that anything started when I'm so needy would be a huge mistake. But I can't help wanting it.
I just want someone who will care about me enough to drop everything, just to come and hold my hand when I'm in trouble.
Last night I cut myself for the first time. Twice on the wrist. Very superficial wounds - I can't even succeed at hurting myself - but the urge to slash away was so insistent.
This morning I kept hitting myself in the eye, and told my friends that I fell and hit my head. I now have a splitting headache, increasingly worse nausea, scratches and lumps on my eye, and two scratches on my wrist. I didn't go in to my second day of work, and didn't ring them. How can you explain that type of thing?
I'm too afraid to ask for help, because I don't want to admit that I'm such a disgusting liar, and that I am so insane as to physically stand in front of a mirror and repeatedly hit myself. And I'm terrified that now I have crossed the line to physically hurting myself, that I won't be able to stop from doing it again.
To all those that know me, I am sorry for disappointing you. I can't even post this at lotl or haven because I don't want to admit to you guys that things aren't good. Because they were just starting to get brilliant, and I was just starting to get happy.
I really don't know what happened.
poster:Rach
thread:6414
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010611/msgs/6414.html