Posted by PhoenixGirl on April 9, 2001, at 17:06:08
In reply to :-( I hope u feel better PhoenixGirl, I've been th, posted by Dubya on April 8, 2001, at 21:30:37
Hi you guys. Thanks for your supportive words, it helps warm up the cold spot that sits in the middle of me. This message below turned out kind of long, but I hope you'll read it. I'll try to answer the questions that people have asked. I moved around many times growing up, which worsened my isolation and social phobia. Since I moved around so much, I had to change psychiatrists and counselors frequently, and that wasn't good because they didn't get to know me well enough and it broke up the continuity of my treatment (different docs had different styles). The drugs I've taken, in order, are imipramine (3 years, did not work well), zoloft (gave it a fair trial), effexor (hurt my stomach very bad), luvox (fair trial), anafranil (three years, did not work, side effect hell), serzone (stomach pain), trazadone (stomach pain), celexa (did not work, side effect hell), remeron (did not work well, and too much weight gain), and wellbutrin and desipramine. Also augmented with lithium and levothroid. Right now I'm on desipramine, wellbutrin, and levothroid. They do not work well enough, no AD ever has, but this combination works somewhat better than the others. By the way, I also tried some of the ones I listed in combination as well as alone. Most of them cause bad side effects for me, especially sexual dysfunction. The dysfunction has caused me so much distress that I won't use an AD that causes it any worse than desipramine. Desipramine causes it too, but it's about half as bad as the others. Wellbutrin has no antidepressant effect on me, but I take it to stay awake during the day. I don't know if the levothroid is helping, but I have less cold intolerance on it (before levothroid my t4 reading was 4 when the minimum in normal range is 4.5). Anyway, I am looking hard for a doctor who will help me experiment with nontraditional meds, like mirapex, anticonvulsants, or stimulants. I feel that doctors have failed me because I am still so depressed, and some of them let me go for several years on a drug that did not work well and tortured me with side effects.
Well that was a long answer. But the meds are important. I have a biological illness, because I can get depressed for no reason, get very very depressed when I try to taper off meds, have several mentally ill family members including bipolar mom and depressed sister.
Here's my living situation: I just moved to Atlanta about two months ago, and am working a government job that is boring to me. But, it pays me 30k a year and provides me with very good health insurance, which I need to fight my illness. My coworkers are mostly older than me and have little in common with me. I live in a studio apartment by myself. I am still in the process of finding a good doctor and therapist, and have met some new people. I met a girl while looking for a roommate, and she has introduced me to other people. We got in a fight yesterday though, and I have a tendency to get very angry at people and damage relationships.
I actually have done the cognitive-behavioral group therapy a couple of years ago, and it was very helpful. The social phobia I have now is actually much less than what I used to have, which was absolutely crippling. I may need to do that therapy some more though. I am putting forth an effort to meet people -- I'm going to take an evening discussion class on politics and culture and things, which I'm interested in, and hope to meet other people who are too. I find that one of the best ways to make more friends is to tap into one friend's network of other friends.
I'm working on all this, but it's hard because my depressions come over me and keep me from being enjoyable to be around, and keeping me from going out at all sometimes.
Well I'm trying to think of what other facts I can mention about me. My dad is a critical military man, a pessimist, and used to call me a "social invalid". He told me that I would never make it in life if I didn't change, which made the anxiety worse. He instilled an insecurity inside of me and a voice of self-doubt. He loves me, and he doesn't know how much he's harmed me. He thinks that applying negativity and fear to a person will make them change.
Anyway, I often get so depressed that I fantasize about being killed, cutting myself up, shooting myself in the head. Every day for years I have fantasies about getting hurt and having others care that I got hurt. It's sick, but I've had it for so long that I forget it's not normal. I know that I am worth knowing, but people don't get to know me because I subconsciously put on a front and censor myself. One of the worst feelings I have is that I'm losing my youth. My youth ended at age 12, and I fear that I will not be able to enjoy these young years ever. I can't get back the past 11 years that I lost, but I don't want to lose any more years. Thanks for reading.
poster:PhoenixGirl
thread:5563
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010404/msgs/5585.html