Posted by kellyR. on November 4, 2000, at 22:07:29
In reply to Ever feel you're trapped in hell in your head?, posted by Angela5 on November 4, 2000, at 13:16:26
> And your body is trapped, too. (I moved in with my family after going on disability due to depression, and because it didn't seem like a good idea to be alone.) My mind is in hell; my body is in a place where "depression" is so foreign a term to everyone that it's almost absurd.
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> I'm told to regulate my sleeping schedule. (I can't sleep until 5-6 am and then get up at 2 pm.) I keep trying - it goes back to where it was. Getting things thrown on me and horns blown, etc., etc. at 9:30 am do not help, they hinder.
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> At least my stepfather has finally quit telling me how ugly I look at least 3 times a day (literally) since I finally completely broke down over that one.
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> If I were them, I'd hate to live with me, too. I can't even manage to sweep the floor. My mother set a sweeper outside my door, and apparently I was stepping over it for almost a week before I finally realized that it was even there. When she leaves me notes to do chores and such, it just seems impossible. I wish it didn't - I actually do WANT to help - but how do you explain that suddenly the floor just seems way too big, dusting seems like you might as well just give up - about the only thing I can manage to do is empty the damn dishwasher.
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> I don't mean to seem ungrateful. I'm fully aware that they don't have to let me be here, etc. It's just that my head is a nightmare in itself, right now I can't seem to stop crying, and I feel like I'm being further pounded into the ground by everything around here, although I know it's not intentional...
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> Sorry. Don't really mean to rant, it's just that there's no one to talk to but the dog, and I think he's sick of listening... I just want o be buried in a hole and never come out.
> >When I first meet my husband he wasn't very clear about why I was on disability,or why i couldn't get myself to leave the house even to get the mail.He didn't understand the crying,nightmares,walking around the house w/ a loaded gun(thinking people are out to hurt me or rape me).He would tell me to go to work & it well all go away.he almost left me when I couldn't go into a store,we where fighting out in the car him tring to get me to go in,& he got so mad that he started to walk home.He thought that it was him that i was embarrass to be w/ him. it was yrs. that this went on & when i went into the hospital cause i tried to kill myself,that he started to understand but he still kept the saying that if got a job it will all go away,well i've been working 3yrs. now, somethings have got better,still have alote to work on but when you have people that understand what you are going though it makes it so much easier to get though it without people making you feel worst then you already feel.Get some reading on depression & let them go though them.If that doesn't help maybe you should look for a different living arangement. I lived in a group home for a while to get away from my granparents that would always try to blame my friends for the way i was."just a thought".
poster:kellyR.
thread:2079
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20001031/msgs/2103.html