Posted by shar on October 20, 2000, at 12:07:15
In reply to hi everybody, posted by laural on October 20, 2000, at 4:09:58
Hi, Laural.
I seem to have a tendency to be blunt, and it's not on purpose, so if I seem too blunt, please do not take it as a criticism of you--just a lack of social skills on my part.
I am (at 48) learning about relationships, even the kind that touch one's heart. So--a few general comments. I really thought your post was insightful and very expressive about your struggle. That kind of self awareness is very valuable.
I also read you making a lot of predictions, absolutes, mind-reading, etc. Those are usually undercover kind of thoughts (not shared with one's partner) and are not always helpful. If you predict what will happen, you can keep yourself out of the here and now where you have a chance to really learn what happens. Mind-reading, it can be so off base. I am not being critical of you, but I've had people say to me I look mad when I'm just fine, and I bet you've had similar experiences. A good thing to give up in a relationship is mind-reading; or at least check it out: You look mad to me, are you?
The most important thing that exists is a relationship, and will assist it's depth and longevity is accepting each other's differences. First, acknowledging you all don't have to (and won't) think alike on all topics. Then, learning where your differences occur as they come up. And, letting each other be different, or have different opinions. And having that be acceptable and ok, not just tolerable.
That, of course, leads to the need for compromise in relationships. There will be some differences that don't really call for compromise (like he votes for A and you vote for B). But, some differences will call for you all to reach a compromise about certain things, willingly, in order for your relationship to continue.
Compromise may not be possible on all issues, in which case there are decisions to make. However, I believe if you know each other pretty well, you'd already know if there were issues upon which you could not or would not compromise. It is a joint venture. Not just one person compromising all the time.
Ok, that's differences, compromise, and next is disappointment. You two are going to disappoint each other because you are human. He will not always be able to give you what you need in a "picture perfect" way. (I've had to work a lot on this one.) If you have a picture of what you want his response to be, you will almost always be let down because he probably won't have exactly the response you have in mind.
The tragic part to this, is that if you have a picture of what you want, you aren't "present" for what he does give. He may give you a response that meets some of your needs or wants, but not all. In that case, you may be disappointed, AND get something out of it at the same time. So often in our society, not getting exactly what one wants is considered a tragedy and can lead to distance between people.
In communicating, if you tell him what you want, and he tells you what he wants (for yourselves, not how you want your partner to change) you will have a wealth of knowledge about each other, and be in tune. You may not like what you hear one day, and really like what you hear the next. For example, you want him to learn about how you can be if you have a relapse. You could tell him that. You want to know if he thinks you are tainted goods. He may not want to participate in learning about that. Maybe there is a compromise. Maybe he knows more than you realize; that you will need his help if you relapse (tho it's hard to predict the future). Maybe not.
If something is important to you, saying so will be so helpful. Same for him. You may have opposite views, but you will know where you both stand. It is highly unlikely that you will change him, or that he will change you.
You can tell him you are scared, you can tell him that you are afraid he will not want to be with you if you relapse, you can evaluate your own idea that commitment has to precede history, you can see if you can stay in the here and now as much as possible. It is very hard work. I'm still learning about this stuff.
Hope this made some sense. Just ignore it if it didn't. I'm not one to be speaking too much about relationships (except for what I'm learning) because they are hard as hell for me.
Good luck, love yourself, be yourself. Have some fun.
Shar
poster:shar
thread:1359
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20001011/msgs/1367.html