Posted by Cindy W on September 8, 2000, at 0:53:43
In reply to Re: real life instruction manual? » Cindy W, posted by chdurie2 on September 3, 2000, at 23:02:55
> > My Mother was just diagnosed tonight with stage 4 lung cancer with a metastasis to her spinal cord. Don't know yet if they will give her radiation, chemo, or no treatment. She is in a hospital 5-6 hours away. Will probably go see her this weekend. I've been putting it off because I'm afraid I'll total my car (like I did when my Dad had his quadruple bypass) and because I don't know what to say or do...talked to her on the phone, and she seems in denial and drugged (on a morphine drip). Don't know what to say to her or to my Father. We've always had a distance between us, emotionally, that I don't kow how to bridge. I feel so alone, lost, lonely, sorry, sad, ashamed. My depression and OCD are way out of control; see my pdoc in l8 days. Can't get a pet sitter and if I could, couldn't let them in my house (it's so cluttered and hard to walk through). Is there an instruction manual on life?--Cindy W
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> Cindy- you and i sound like we have a lot in common. can't see pdoc for 18 days? who is this guy? can't page this guy on emergency basis even to talk for a few minutes on phone? sorry this is happening at such a cruddy time - and that it's happening at all.
> when my dad suddenly became ill, (two days after i lost my job,) and died a month later, (he was an alcoholic and died from his alcoholism,) i hadn't seen him in two years. he also lived six hours away by car. we had never gotten along - we were like oil and vinegar. when i told him how upset i was that he was so sick, that i loved him no matter what, he told me to stop being melodramatic. my two brothers and i fought a lot during that month we were with him in the hospital. but you know what? i'd give anything to have that month back again. it turned out to be the best time we ever had, at least from my point of view, and seeing him so out of it and deteriorating was better than not being able to see him at all. also, as he became progressively more unconscious, we communicated on a very primitive basis. the most precious time was when he opened his mouth and moved his tongue across his lips - he couldn't speak. i asked him if he wanted ice cream - his favorite food. he nodded slightly. i ran down to the cafeteria and got him a huge bowl of ice cream (weeks earlier the docs laughed at the prospect of his being able to eat ice cream.) i fed it to him just the way he fed me when i was little. when done, i asked if he wanted more. i got another huge bowl, and he ate it the same way. the med staff was stunned. when done, i asked if he wanted more, and he shook his head - no. over the next few days, i brought in huge quantities of his favorite flavors, and he ate it all. by then, the med staff started to try to feed him easy stuff and liquids, but he refused all. he would only eat my ice cream - and i also brought creamed spinach, another favorite, which he ate eagerly. by the fourth day, though, he was losing interest in the ice cream and spinach. i thought that meant he was ready to die. he died less than two days after his last "feeding." the docs had said he probably wouldn't live four days after he was admitted, but he hung in for a month. somehow, i sensed it was all over when he didn't want any more ice cream. i would give anything for that time again, and when he died, i grieved perhaps more, honestly, for the finality that we would never have a good relationship as much as for the real loss. also, after he died, when my brothers and i were going through his personal stuff, we found stuff we never expected - stuff that made him more human. and i deeply regret now that i didn't try to connect with him on his level while he was alive, rather than being angry that he couldn't connect with me on mine. hope this helps. no matter how awful they are, they're better alive than dead, and this may be your last time with your mom. use it well. caroline.Caroline, I just finally got into psychosocial babble (couldn't get it to load more than 9% since last weekend!).
Haven't been to see my Mom yet but am considering going in the morning...my mom and dad keep telling me not to visit; my sister (who hasn't spoken with me since last weekend) finally wrote me tonight and asked me not to visit, because they all want to have a positive attitude...and I choked and started to cry, on the phone, last Saturday, when my mom confirmed that she has lung cancer and two spinal cord metastases. Am thinking about just going anyway tomorrow.
Your story brought tears to my eyes! I'm so glad that you were able to spend time with your dad, and feed him the ice cream...I'll never forget your story!
My mom and I have had a rocky relationship, like you apparently had with your Dad. I've always been the "black sheep."
Tried to make another appointment with my pdoc, but the office person said she didn't know if there would be a cancellation (my next appointment is the 20th). I feel kind of hurt that they wouldn't get me in somehow...my depression, anxiety, and OCD have been maxed out...I have had trouble working, can't sleep, can hardly eat, and my house looks like a landfill. I feel I can't plan to do anything, since I'm still "waiting" to see my Mom. I can't tell how she's doing...I only get brief phone or email messages from my Dad and he won't let me talk to her.
Again, thank you for sharing your story! I'll be thinking about it a lot, during the time my Mom is sick!
Love, Cindy
poster:Cindy W
thread:395
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20000813/msgs/452.html