Posted by tinkerbelle06 on September 25, 2008, at 20:32:32
In reply to addicted to male attention, posted by wildflower44 on March 9, 2006, at 23:48:23
I have to say that I didn't even realize an addiction to male attention was a REAL issue until I saw a show called "The Secret Lives of Women" that explored women who were addicted to sex &/or male attention.
I've heard of sex addictions before, but I did not know that some people who are diagnosed as being "sex addicts" are not technically addicted to SEX. What they are addicted to is attention from the opposite sex.
The longer I watched the show, the more I realized this could be me. Now, as far as an addiction to the physical act of having sex, that is most likely not me, since I think I could probably go the rest of my life without it, and I am only 27 years old. I'm supposed to be at my sexual peak right? Let me back track...
There are several reasons I am needy for male attention. My biological father (aka "The Sperm Donor") has never had anything to do with me. My stepfather who raised me was raised as a traditional southern man. He is quiet, reserved, conservative, and he does NOT talk about his feelings. It is not that he is not proud of us. We were brought up in a religious, conservative home. He is just not the type to share his feelings. Then, to really top it off, I was raped when I was 17. So, I already know the reasons why I need male attention. It's just a matter of getting to the point where I don't need it anymore that I'm struggling with.
So, I definitely understand where you're coming from, needing attention from the opposite sex. I'm almost DESPERATE for it. I live for it sometimes. I don't want sex. I just want the attention, to be sought after, to feel sexy.
I'm in a long-term relationship and MOST of my relationships have been long-term, a year or more. The one I'm in now is pushing five years.
Up until recently I had never considered cheating, but this is the longest relationship I've ever been in and it's getting dry. I feel like I'm not appreciated and not found sexy. I think he wants the sex, but that it wouldn't matter if I completely let myself go. He'd still be looking for the sex. He's really cute and at one time he was also very charming, but he's happy with just sex. I need the attention, regardless of the sex.
It seems the only time I'm happy is when I'm getting male attention, which I don't feel I get from my man. I get sex from him, but I don't get the kind of attention I want.
There's not much to do in my small town, so me and my girlfriends like to hit the bars once in a while. When we go, I like to get all "dolled up" because I LOVE the attention. In fact, I get mad when I don't get it. I'll hop from bar to bar until I find the attention I want. I don't like to show too much leg or cleavage, so it's not like I "slut it up" to get the attention. I just try to look pretty.
I'm not gorgeous by any means, but I'm not ugly. I'm 5'1", 130 Lbs, curvy figure, long blonde hair, blue-green eyes, and I have a nice smile and a flirty personality. When you're pretty you don't need to look like a prostitute to get attention. It just helps to look nice.
Over the last two years, I've made it a habit to go out at least once a month, usually twice. For several months straight we went out every weekend. It got to where the bar owners looked forward to my friends and I showing up, because they knew we would improve the business. We became part of the entertainment. We just brought the personality and the fun along with us. We danced together, flirted, got free drinks, and partied it up. We drew a lot of attention. I LOVED it!!! It was the BEST rush for me! It was better than any feeling I'd ever had, better than any drunken feeling, even better than sex itself!
The only thing better than getting the attention was when I could tease the guys giving it to me. I LOVED to get them all rowled up and then leave them hanging, begging for more, another dance, a kiss, anything. I get excited just thinking about it!
At first, it didn't interfere with my relationship. I mostly went out with friends and family that he trusted. So, he didn't worry. He didn't like it, but he didn't worry. Then, I slipped up and he found out how "popular" we were at the local bars. That's when he started worrying a little.
Then, one guy in particular started showing me a lot of attention. This guy had a reputation for being a ladies' man, and he wasn't the type of guy to settle down and get married. He has kids with two different women and he's never been married. He's also a little older than me, in his late 30's. I've always been attracted to older men, especially the rugged, manly type. It gave me an all new high. This guy who could have ANYONE was flirting with me shamelessly, even with my boyfriend only feet away at times. It takes a LOT of gutts to do that, since my boyfriend has some pull in my community. This guy is the optomy of sexiness in my opinion and he was after ME, and he wasn't afraid of what could happen.
My boyfriend is not the rugged type. He's handsome and strong, but he's not a hunter, a sportsman, or a laborer. He's more of a "man in charge" type, but he doesn't really get his hands dirty, and he's quite a bit younger than me. So, this new guy was exactly the opposite of my boyfriend, and he TOTALLY turns me on.
He became my new secret project. I tracked him down and asked him what his intentions were with me. He admitted having an affair before and said he was not afraid to go after anything he wanted. I asked him if he wanted me. He asked if me and my man were married. We weren't, so he said he'd get in touch with me if he ever wanted to hook up. The first time we "hooked up", we kissed. Well, we started to and we bumped teeth. Then, he said, "If you're gonna do it, do it right." That turned me on SO MUCH, because he took control, held me tight, and kissed me the way HE wanted to kiss me, not the way I asked him to kiss me.
Since then, we have hung out several times. We're not having sex. We just flirt & hang out. He knows I get more sex than I already want from my boyfriend. We just enjoy hanging out and it's the "idea" that something "could" happen that keeps me coming back.
I'm completely happy with the way things are, except I feel guilty hiding it from my boyfriend. I love the attention I'm getting from this guy and it makes me feel complete. I get the attention from him and the love from my boyfriend.
Even if I break it off with this guy and tell my boyfriend after the fact, I know he'll leave me. So, he can NEVER find out. I CAN'T lose my boyfriend. I love him. I just wish he were more manly, could take more control from time to time. I think he depends on me for too much, especially when it comes to making decisions about HIS life. I think he's kind of a "mama's boy" and sometimes I just want him to grab me and kiss me hard and long. Sometimes, I want him to tell his friends how hot I am. I want him to look at sexy pictures of me and, instead of asking who else has seen them (when he knows no one has),I want him to say, "Damn, you're sexy". Sometimes, I want him to throw me down and take CONTROL instead of asking me how I want to "do it".
I want a MAN, not a little boy! I want attention like other men give me and I'm afraid my desperate need for this attention will cause me to lose my boyfriend and to never settle down and have children like I desperately want. I almost feel like I have to choose between the life I want and my addiction.
This addiction has cost me relationships before. I've hopped from boyfriend to boyfriend with very few breaks in between. I've been known to break up with one boyfriend only to move on to a new one within months, weeks, or even days. That's because a lot of these guys that were showing me the attention I wanted were looking for a relationship when I was just hungry for the ATTENTION they offered me. Once the relationship matured and I began getting less attention, I got frustrated with the relationship and started acting out toward my boyfriends. Then, they would get mad at me for lashing out and leave me, or I would get tired of waiting for them to break up with me and I would break it off.
I don't know what to do. I can't afford therapy and my boyfriend doesn't want me going to someone else about our problems. I have not even admitted to him that my addiction is the problem. He thinks I've just lost my sex drive for one reason or another. I even stopped taking my birth control pills because I thought a hormone embalance was the cause.
Now I realize it was just that I needed male attention. When I get it, I get excited and then I come home and don't mind having sex with my boyfriend so much. I don't really need it, but my excitement makes it a little easier. So, I feel that this attention from this other guy has actually HELPED my sex life with my boyfriend. How strange is that?
The thing is, I know I can't keep living this charade. I need to either get over this addiction or get the attention I so desperately need from my boyfriend somehow. I just LOVE my sex life right now. How do I continue to love my life and not hurt my boyfriend in the process?
What do I do?
poster:tinkerbelle06
thread:618219
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20071110/msgs/854106.html