Posted by BiPolarLen on April 4, 2007, at 14:02:35
In reply to Re: How much fighting is too much? » Wildflower, posted by Tamar on December 29, 2006, at 7:24:09
My relationship in most ways mirrors mine, but with us it was several times that told my wife to "get out" since you covered the hurtful words, there no need to repeat. My wife had enough and left, of course now, I am waking up.
The only advice at this stage is really tried to get your hubsand to listen, if he won't or will not like myself. Then explain what going on with counselor, but make sure they understand the syptoms and signs of the disorder. Otherwise, they can give the wrong advice. go to marriage counseling, too.
> > For one reason or another, I've never had a traditional (aka "normal") relationship and my parents weren't the best role models. Could someone out there please tell me the acceptable amount of fighting that occurs in a happy/secure relationship? I'm not talking about violent fights, more like disagreements that may last a day or two.
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> I think different people have different thresholds about acceptable amounts of fighting. Some people feel happy and secure despite lots of shouting and screaming (typically they enjoy the making-up part of the fight, which occurs in the bedroom). Other people can’t feel secure with more than very occasional conflict. What’s acceptable to you?
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> > I was once told that if a couple agreed on everything, it was doomed from the start. Someone would always be giving in and that person would implode one day for not standing up for their opinion. Now I'm confused...
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> My parents argued precisely twice when I was a kid. I don’t remember the first time, but I’ve been told about it. The second time I was 15 and they argued loudly for hours. I was sure they were heading for the divorce courts, but everything seemed fine the next day. Having said that, their relationship wasn’t very healthy in some ways; the reason they never argued was because my mother was frightened of my father’s anger. After much therapy they seemed to figure things out and now they argue more often but less explosively.
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> > What exactly is the acceptable range? One disagreement every week/month?
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> It depends how you handle conflict. When things are going well between me and my husband we usually don’t let disagreements escalate into full scale fights. If one of us is grumpy the other one will apologise for causing offence. But on the other hand when things are going badly in our relationship we scream at each other several times a day. Somehow we must find this acceptable because we haven’t split up. Having said that, I personally can’t tolerate being told I’m lazy or stupid or useless and if fights go that way I really do consider leaving him (I left once, overnight, and he talked me into coming back the next day).
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> > I'm seriously considering moving in with someone and I'm terrified that I may make the wrong decision. He lives across the country... Maybe I'm just trying to talk my commitaphobic self out of it. Help!
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> I think the biggest problem is when people have very different ways of dealing with conflict. If one of you would rather bite your tongue than argue and the other one would prefer to clear the air when there’s a disagreement, then things could get quite difficult. The conflict-averse person will feel under constant attack and the conflict-embracer will feel inhibited and frustrated.
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> I honestly don’t think it’s a question of quantity of arguments; it’s much more important to be able to deal with your partner’s style of dealing with conflict and to feel that they can accept your style.
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> Just my two cents.
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poster:BiPolarLen
thread:717026
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20070210/msgs/746908.html