Posted by Shame on March 6, 2006, at 12:13:28
In reply to Re: I don't feel loved in my marriage. I am sad, posted by Tanzanite on March 6, 2006, at 3:09:31
Without excusing anything he is doing, maybe I can help shed some light on the sad state of the male psyche. First off I have HAD to develop the ability to talk about what I'm feeling and why I am feeling it. For most men (and a good share of women) the words just aren’t there. I had to work with my wife in order to get her to the point where she can explain some of what she feels. You can ask "What’s wrong?" all day and get nowhere. They may not know WHAT it is that's wrong. Some people just don't explore their feelings, they just are.Secondly, I understand just coming home and watching TV. I understand being snappish and not spending time with your wife. When I get like that, its usually because my life is in a rut. I don't look forward to coming home from work, and turning my attention towards the TV is easier than thinking about a life you are tired of. Notice I didn't say I was tired of my wife, nor did I say that I did not love her. Half of my posts on Dr. Bob are apologies to her, even if she doesn't read them.
I had to do quite a few things to get myself interested in our life again. I moved the TV out of the bedroom. OK. Actually I threw it away. I changed all of the lighting in the house to those full spectrum bulbs, kept the shades open, re-arranged the furniture, and negotiated a couple of things with my wife. The first 20 minutes after I get home from work are mine. I need time to shake the day from my mind, and allow myself to settle into my life again. In exchange, we plan one outing together and we go on it come hell or high-water. If we have just had a fight we go anyway. It seems strange that it's working, but I found this to be the most valuable change.
Getting him to understand is another problem all together. I had to ask my wife a lot of questions the helped lead her to conclusions about her actions and feelings. If she says she is upset or mad, I ask why. If she can't tell me, I ask her how she feels about specific things; Me, the house, her work, my work. Do any of those make you more upset than the others? On and on. It was quite a while before she would even sit still for an interrogation of that caliber, but after a while it was evident that it was working. I had to work hard to keep my anger and hurt under control, and ask in an interested, inquisitive fashion. It wasn't easy. I found most of her anger was misplaced, and she released it at the closest target. Me.This was just my experience. I hope this is more useful than it sounds now that I have it down in print... It might be a long shot, but sometimes they pay off. Nothing to loose but your time.
Regards
poster:Shame
thread:616492
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20060220/msgs/616625.html