Posted by Shame on March 2, 2006, at 14:05:26
I read posts here, and I see the themes that define the relationships that the mentally ill have with other people; need, loneliness, social awkwardness, sexual dysfunction, anxiety, SO's that will never understand. I'm guilty of all of these.Still, I wonder about other things. For those of you that are married, did your spouse know what they were getting into before they said 'I do'? Could you make them understand? Did you try? I'm not sure where I went wrong.
I can't say that I hid what I was. My wife knew I had a mood disorder when we met. She saw some of my bad days when we were dating. She some of my worst when we were living together. She still admits she didn't know how bad things where until a few years ago.
Is an omission a lie? If it is, then I am a master of the art. I meter out my past to her in tolerable doses. Sometimes she asks, not sure if she wants to hear the answer, sometimes I tell her, not sure if she can handle it.
Waiting in line at the fast food drive through she tells me she is worried that she wouldn't be able to tell if I was going to commit suicide. I'm too smart and I hide things too well. I explain to her that its a huge leap from the bad day I am having to the desperation of final exit. There would be signs; erratic behavior, bad judgment, changes in handwriting, altered speech patterns. I have been there, I know where the road ends and it's far, far from here.
I show her the practice cuts on my wrists.
"I didn't know you were ever that close. Why practice?"
How do you explain the vanity of it; that I didn't want any hesitation marks, no restarts, no stuttering? A clear message, 'This is what I wanted. I had no doubts. This, I got right.'
Surely she can see that I am far from that sort of madness. Is it the fact that I can talk about it in such detail that scares her? The fact that I was willing to do it, and that she could never imagine doing it herself?
I really have no idea, and I suppose it doesn't matter. I never know what to share. Our pasts are so different, sometimes I wonder what it is that we have in common.
Does any of this resonate with anyone else? When I post I'm usually talking to myself. Today I'm asking. I'm not very good at that.
poster:Shame
thread:615001
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20060220/msgs/615001.html