Posted by alesta on January 27, 2006, at 9:54:54
i am trying to keep my bf from seeing this while i type it so my tone in this post may be strange..anyway, my bf exploded on me again yesterday over something stupid (i was trying to simply relisten to a message about a job and all hell broke loose) and yanked the cell phone from my hand, yanking out some of my hair at the same time...i was so pissed and upset and confused.
i am starting to realize that i am in an abusive relationship, again. i've been with this guy about 4 or 5 months. he is very difficult sometimes over stupid stuff, for instance, he can't stand the sound of me eating potato chips, and i can't eat anything crunchy around him or it will annoy him and he will explode. i know, that sounds crazy...the more i'm with him the crazier he gets. yet he will bring potato chips in for himself to eat.:/
he explodes at a moment's notice over *nothing*.
my mother noticed at christmas time that he would put me down. i've noticed it, too, and told him so. he of course says he's "only kidding" or whatever.
he outbursts a lot and i am starting to yell back, too, b/c he makes me so mad when he treats me like that. i live with him and he is talking marriage. i don't think i want to marry this guy. i don't know. he was so nice at the beginning. i thought i had finally met someone compatible. turns out we aren't even that..i don't think relationships with extraverts tend to work for me. or maybe it's just the ones i've been with. but that's another discussion. and i didn't know he was like this. i hate to admit that i might want to still be with him...i don't know my own feelings about what i want concerning him right now.
he minimizes everything he does...always puts it back on me. he always tries to make everything my fault. i didn't truly know/believe i was being abused until yesterday.
a lot of ppl have told me that it is him, not me, that they can't stand him. he would kind of hide that side of himself from me though...one of my friends told me to tell him never to speak to her again, he pissed her off that much. i don't know what to do...there are so many problems yet i feel compelled to try and make this work. i told him he needs to go to anger management or something. if i could have walked out, i would have, after the cell phone incident last night. i don't think he truly believes he has a problem. there is something deeply wrong with this guy. i know i should leave, it is just not a good time now..we live together and i am not ready to split up financially. he does bring me down. but maybe he is good for me, too, and i am just not seeing that right now. or maybe i'm just making excuses.
a part of me still doesn't believe this is abuse. perhaps he could get better, though..i mean, it's not impossible, right...or is it..i need to figure out if i want to be with him, if i want to even be *in love*. i honestly did not want to fall in love again after i broke up with my ex. i don't believe in romantic love anymore, i don't think. and i told him that when i met him. i really did just fall into this relationship against my will practically lol. my head was fighting with my heart. logic versus desire. the key is to not ever let myself feel anything for guys in the future. i want to be single. to hell with what society says. nothing is pure in this world...so romantic love to me is just not something i want anymore. it only makes me miserable (even without abuse). men, stay back!! :-) if i can stay back then we're really getting somewhere.
gosh i'm sorry this was so long! i really appreciate your reading this, even if you don't respond.:) just want to be heard. thank you.
i'm going to try and respond to others' posts today and return the favor for such a long entry.:)
take it easy,
alesta
poster:alesta
thread:603383
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20051204/msgs/603383.html