Posted by Jen Star on November 7, 2005, at 11:13:01
In reply to My step daughter lives with us, posted by ClearSkies on November 6, 2005, at 22:14:28
oh my,
what a situation! ((Clearskies))Actually, I think you did the *right* thing in telling her straight out what you feel -- that you feel she's freeloading, you feel she's dishonest, and you feel that she's not making reasonable plans for the future.
It's possible that the WAY you confronted her was not the most successful, but those things needed to be said! :) At the very least, it will give her something to think about, and will let her know that you're "onto" her (although I'm sure she's suspected this and been worried about it from the start...)
For future discussions, I think that any message to her will be best received if it can be given by you and your husband together at the same time. Maybe over dinner at a restaurant, or at a time when you three are together JUST to discuss her future with her.
Would it be possible to plan an "intervention" with him, and discuss the ways you'll confront her? If you two have a solid gameplan together, and are unified in your decisions, it may be easier to discuss it with her.
The two of you might find out that you have some serious differences of opinion and plan. For example, it's possible that he doesn't MIND that she stays here indefinitely, even if he tells YOU otherwise at times, and even means it -- as her father, he's probably a bit blind to her faults, and wants to protect her. So he might be saying one thing, and doing another -- not out of a desire to fool you, but out of a subconscious effort to "take care of his baby."
Maybe the two of you could make a plan, and write it down. Then meet with her and get her agreement on it, and make any necessary changes. She will stay XX more months, and she will have to provide YY $$ to help with rent/food/etc.
OR, if she does not pay rent/food/etc, she will have to show you a monthly bank statement proving that she's saving the $$ that would otherwise have gone to rent/food/etc. She should have her share of chorses around the house, just as you & hubby do -- that's only fair when you're living in someone else's home. Perhaps yard work, laundry, cooking nights?
She will not do ANY drugs, MJ or otherwise, in the home, because that's illegal and you will not tolerate illegal activities in the home. Period. She will be kicked out on her a** if she does it again, or you will call the cops on her. (Hubby might not like this one, tho...)
I can totally sympathize with you. It's hard having a grown woman, esp. a willful one and a daddy's girl, living with you and taking advantage of you. I hope things work out! Please keep us updated!
JenStar
PS - I think you're doing the right thing by confronting her, and it's OK to make her plan!
poster:Jen Star
thread:576210
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20051031/msgs/576359.html