Posted by ClearSkies on November 6, 2005, at 22:14:28
She is 23 years old. She graduated from college in August, and we offered her free room and board so she could find a job, pay off student debts, and save up to find a place to live by January.
None of this has happened as she said it would. She went on 4 job interviews, and followed up on none of them. She went from reading the classified ads to not een openeing the pages. She asked my usband and I to find contacts of people we know who might need work; but she called none of them. She got a job doing the same thing she did during college - tending bar, part time. So no benefits, a low income, and partying hours. She is happy at this job. The people are cool and she can party all night because her latest shift ends at 7pm.
She has not paid off any debts. Her cellphone rings several times a day with calls from debt collectors, and she does not answer them. She pays her cellphone bill, and car insurance.
She has no plans for living arrangements. She has not been honest in what she told us the prospective arrangements might be. One person she has not contacted for 3 months, and another is vague about where they might live and when it might happen. It was revealed last night that who she really wants to live with is her boyfriend. She did not tell us about this plan because she knows her father disapproves of this arrangement. (The boyfriend has a good job but is supplementing his income heavily with dealing drugs. The BF says if he gets caught that the stepdaughter can do the jail time since he has a "real" job and she is just a part time bartender.
I had a pretty serious meltdown with her on Saturday night. As each of these issues has been uncovered (and they have been uncovered because she tells us nothing, just eats the food we buy, goes into her room, smokes drugs and calls her BF. So we find things out from pieces of mail that come to the house, by the new dents that appear on the car we gave her (my old Toyota), the vague answers she gives about her housing prospects.
I challenged her on being dishonest. That she did not intend to pursue a career and find a job, even entry level, that would provide important benefits like health care and a saving plan. She strung us along for a month and a half. Circled ads in the newspaper and didn't call on them. The job interviews. The 3 job offers she got that she didn't return phone calls to pursue the jobs. She snowed us on that one.
She's working a job that does not meet her financial needs. Her wages and tips pay for her immediate needs: cellphone, car insurance, and drugs. No attempt at student debt settlement. She did not bother to pick up her last paycheck from the restaurant she worked at college. She hasn't filed her taxes for the past year, even though it appears that she's owed money. She hasn't the means to save up for her future place of living: first and last months' rent, and security deposit.
She doesn't answer any questions about these subjects.So I called her on it. I asked her why she couldn't tell us what was really going on. That she is supposed to be leaving in January and she has no plans or means to do so. That she doesn't answer questions when asked directly, but replies with vague possibilities that when you ask for elaborations, are house of cards with no foundation in fact.
Having someone live in my house who is dishonest and not forthcoming is anathema to me. I lived with gross betrayal and lies for 18 years with my first husband. Always finding out what sh*t had hit the fan when the calls would come on the phone and I'd get to answer it before he would. Or I would get home a bit earlier than he and found the court suppeonas before he could grab and hide them in the sock drawer.
I called her a liar, and I called her a freeloader. I have never confronted her on any of these issues before. I discuss them with her father, my husband, who promises to speak to her, but never has because she starts to cry when he speaks.
She said, "I hate liiving here". I said, "I hate having you live here", and I left the room.
She is gone on a visit to her sister cross country for 4 days. She told her dad she is moving out as soon as she returns as she no longer feels welcome here.My husband wants me to tell her that I love her, that I want the best for her. These are true, but I am too angry to say these things.
I feel that I handled this all wrong yet thought that in asking her father to address them that at least it would be known that they are going concerns, He has not had any conversatons with her about any of the issues, so I am angry at him too.
He wants me to be happy. He wants ne to have a healthy relationship with his children. I feel that we have been taken for a ride for the last 3 months, that his daughter has been able to continue her non-committal party-har way of life with Dad and Step Mom footing most the bills. It makes me seethe,
What can I say to her without falling apart myself? Do I let all the issues that I feel so strongly about just sink back into their shadows and say they are no concern of ours, as she is a grown woman? Do I support my husband who says he wants to help his children in whatever way he can?
Very muddled.
poster:ClearSkies
thread:576210
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20051031/msgs/576210.html