Posted by Susan47 on August 21, 2005, at 13:51:46
It's official, my ex is taking the children to India, passports ready, tickets bought, immunity shots acquired .. I've been invited to come and spend time with them.. twenty years ago I would have jumped at the chance, now I'm not so sure.. I'm feeling like it's too much for me, I can't do that much, something bad will happen. It was horrible just letting the kids go, the way I found out was through the kids, nobody asked me if it was okay..and the ex is a Man of Determination, if nothing else I knew that..he's as stubborn as a mule and has many of the physical and emotional characteristics of one, too.. I want to be with the children and I want to share their adventure, it's huge.. London, Paris, Malaysia, Delhi, Mombai, Goa. I never thought he could do it, pull this off, and he is and he has and I think partly to show me he could do it.. I'm glad. I always knew he was capable of something like this but he didn't, and I think he just finally got pissed off enough to finally get off his butt and try to achieve what he thinks he can, which he can and I hope he will.
But it sucks totally to be left behind, holding my own teeny little glass going, Can I ride on your Tail Feathers? Oh, and By The Way, I helped get you here and you're too ignorant to see Any of it. You don't see the torture I went through, living with your insecurities so many years, having them pull me down oh my God I became so Different, you know, so different from the way I was.. in the end by the time I quit my job nobody even recognized the me I'd been before Stephen. And I knew this guy needed a lot, he need a lot of confidence, and with that he'd go places, I always just recognized that in him. And I stupidly, because I wanted my own things from him, things which had nothing, nada to do with Love, I went with him and tried to make a different life... that was so Stupid, so incredibly Dumb, and he's a totally different person than he was. But I feel bad, because in a way he's become an *sshole too, he's hardened up so much, toughened, he's developed a leather skin. He used to buy a lot of flowers and cards, and get all emotional, he was lovely like a little boy but I didn't want a little boy I wanted something Else, and he had a lot of male-ness too, but too much, way too much. And in the end that aggressive nature came out and ate up the tenderness, and he's cynical and self-serving now.
And I hate that my kids are with him but they are, and I had to give up that part of my responsibility, I had to let go and hope for the best in my time with them, that I would be enough of a good influence, a caring friend and an educator, a buddy who'll get them off the television and computer and into a good game of something stimulating. What do you do when the partner you chose to have children with, has radically different values and you feel constantly blind-sided by his disrespect for yours? And your kids are growing up without enough of either one of you, because half the time when I'm with them I'm too distracted by my OCD thinking, which I can't seem to get a good handle on because I have so much trouble with my moods and other stuff. All I can do is let go, give what I can and have No Regrets.
poster:Susan47
thread:544787
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050814/msgs/544787.html