Posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2005, at 20:11:14
I am.
I spend a lot of time in my room by myself. Doing a variety of things. Reading. Watching TV. Playing computer games. Listening to music. Writing. Haven't been all that productive lately, so playing computer games and watching tv mostly.
But a lot of time in my room by myself.
I have flatmates.
They seem to hang out in the lounge sometimes.
And the kitchen sometimes.
I very rarely talk with them.
Just go off to my room.
I like the atmosphere to be friendly.
I get that I have to talk to them a little bit
A little bit more than a mere 'hello' to try and keep that friendly atmosphere.
So I try and do that.
But thats all.
I've always been like that.
My mother used to make me spend a lot of time in my room by myself.
When I moved into the home I continued with that. I guess I tried to sort of make friends with the other people there.
But they were very different from me.
Spent a lot of time by myself.
Then, when I was diagnosed with BPD I didn't think I should be round people.
I mean... If I am manipulative and attention seeking and all the rest of it then it sounds like people would be better off without me.
I moved into a self contained flat out the back of a house
And locked myself in there for a while.
My moods used to get really really really intensely bad.
I didn't know what was wrong.
But... Lonely I guess. And I didn't think there was anything to be done.
After I broke my legs I had to move into on campus accomodation because of disability access. That went a lot better than expected. I got on with one of my flatmates pretty good and we would hire an x-box and play games. I didn't get so distressed there. But then I had to move into a flat cause I didn't apply for next year in time. And things were hard in the flat. Back in my room. Maybe I'm just anti-social.The only time it has been different...
Is when I hang out a lot with my druggie mates.
And when I was living in a relationship for a while.Somebody said something over on psychology in relation to something else but it got me thinking...
Am I just repeating the trauma?
Whats an adequate resolution supposed to be?
Me to meet someone and move in with them?
Someone who will come and talk to me
And get me out of my head space?
It did work like that when I was in the relationship.
It did.
It is amazing how an environmental change can help or harm so profoundly.But I'll never meet anyone spending all my time in my room.
But I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of people.
Its ok here cause the civility rules keep things safe.
But even in private.
What people get up to off the boards
In emails
It frightens me.
Because I realise that this is an artificial world.
The civility rules are enforced here as they couldn't be IRL
And IRL things aren't safe.
And I don't like people
People who would say all sorts of things behind your back
And detest you
And I just want to curl up by myself
With the door locked.
And I have no earthly idea
What is to become of me.
And what my role in life is anyway.
What am I supposed to do?
Maybe my supervisor feels sorry for me cause there isn't a lot else to be done
It looks as though he has realised that I am not capable of full time work
And that means... I'm screwed. Basically. I don't know what I am supposed to do.I don't even think I know what I want to do anymore. I haven't found my place. I thought, I always thought my place was here. But now I know it is not. But... I really don't know that there is a place for me in this world.
I don't like the medical / deficit model.
But it is starting to seem appropriate
(once more)
I'm broken.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:519494
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050531/msgs/519494.html