Posted by Susan47 on November 6, 2004, at 21:51:38
In reply to Re: Please Help! » Susan47, posted by JenStar on November 6, 2004, at 14:33:46
It's so nice to be talking to you again. I stay away from the boards totally when I'm blocked because there's just so much frustration in reading and not being able to write. I don't know how other people do it, there are thousands of people who read this board and never post. How do you do it, people???
Having said that, JenStar, I have to tell you that yes, you had it right when you said "fire". No man in my life has ever lit me up inside like my therapist did. I've never had a therapist before, either, and even with C, I didn't really use him properly as a therapist. I mean, I kept cutting off the relationship. Over and over and over again and I refused to say anything meaningful unless it was to this man's answering machine. Aren't there people out there who find this really WEIRD? Why aren't they speaking up? Am I so freaking weird that no one can relate to me, is everyone afraid of me or am I just bad? I don't get it. I pour my guts out every time I go on these boards and I just seem to shut down every thread I'm ever on. I guess that's the story of my life, really. That's why C shut me down, finally, too. He just couldn't get through to me I guess. I don't know what my problems are. I've done so much reading I feel like I'm going to explode. And I'm reading "Claudius the God" by Robert Graves and it's absolutely fabulous.... yes ab fab is also one of my favourite shows (You asked what I was up to lately, didn't you? but I haven't been able to watch much television lately because I'm on my third part-time job since August.
Now I'm a salesclerk in Ladies Wear and I love love LOVE it but it's barely olver minimum wage.
JenStar, did you know that I'm actually quite a bright woman who's training to work in a hospital setting? I mean, I'm not a moron so I don't know what motivates me to behave like one. I know I underestimate myself, at least, I think maybe I have done. I'm a scared little girl inside and I hate that about myself. It makes me seem really stupid. But I'm actually quite sophisticated in many ways, I just don't always behave that way especially when I have transference about my dad happening. I mean, I turned off my therapist so badly you wouldn't believe it. I'm sure he wants to puke if he thinks I'm even on the same city block as he is.Okay, enough already. See, now I'm depressing myself even more than I was. If I had my life to live over again, I would have listened to the tiny little voice that always said to me, "Don't listen to that awful man, your father. He makes you feel stupid because he's not as smart as you. And he knows it, and that makes him mad."
I feel so sad now. I just want some friends who understand what I've been through, and I don't think I can ever find those people here on Babble. I don't think I can even find them IRL, because I know people would cringe if I told them how I acted out phoning my therapist's ans. mach. and trying to make it a friend. God I sound pathetic. Somebody shoot me now before I humiliate myself anymore.
poster:Susan47
thread:412382
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20041106/msgs/412742.html