Posted by g_g_g_unit on February 4, 2012, at 23:24:00
In reply to Re: playing with fire? » g_g_g_unit, posted by sigismund on February 2, 2012, at 0:31:16
> >Part of me, in fact, actively hates her, out of the most crippled jealousy. I feel I want to cut her out of my life to spite her.
>
> Yes. But you won't do that. What is more likely is that you will not act because of your (justified?) fears about your condition.Sorry, I wasn't completely sure what you meant by me not acting due to fears about my condition? Are you referring to the act of going to see her, or of cutting her out of my life?
My psychiatrist/psychotherapist's advice was that I express the envy I feel, which I did. She was fine with it. It's incredible. I've never experienced anything like this - we've spent the past 3-4 days literally speaking for 8+ hours on Skype. I tell her absolutely everything; when we have conflicts we hash them out reasonably, intelligibly, like two adults. I've been surrounded by vindictive, passive-aggressive and immature people (parents, 'friends' etc.) my entire life. I didn't know it was possible to have such an open, mutual relationship with another human being.
>
> If you went you wouldn't have to expect anything in particular. It wouldn't have to be perfect to avoid being a failure. New country, new people, stuff outside your room, and this girl. You don't have to expect anything.
>
> But hell. Life's a lost cause. Your condition? No doubt your condition sucks. But how will you feel by not going?That's the thing. I *desperately* want to go. But when I said my condition stops me, I'm not exaggerating. I mean, I'm either bed-ridden, fatigued and depressed, or extremely anxious and racked with OCD, to the point of near-agoraphobia. Walking down the road to the shops is an issue. She said she loves me, and has a firm sense of who I am (or was) beneath the labels, but I can barely survive even here, with the support of my parents. Unless I find something that helps pharmacologically, travelling, let alone moving, would be impossible. Let's hope Parnate does something for me?
>
> Not that you should. Sometimes, yes sometimes I think..... Well, life's a lost cause. We have statistics to prove it (in the history books, must be why I read them) This whole culture is full of f*ck*ng hope. There's none.
>
> When I was your age I couldn't, that is for sure. But if you can, I'd go.I wish I could. The problem is that it's suddenly turning into this really urgent issue for me, where I feel like I have to get better *right this instant*. She's said - justifiably - that she can't commit to anything long-term at this point, because she's going to be in New York City, living out her existence, and with me like this, unable to commit to seeing her again, it wouldn't be fair. That hurt, a tonne, to here. But I can see how it makes sense, I suppose. I have to let go of this impulse to control her, possess her. I feel like I'm investing everything in her at this point, which seems dangerous.
poster:g_g_g_unit
thread:1008979
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20111220/msgs/1009323.html