Posted by g_g_g_unit on February 1, 2012, at 6:28:30
Sorry, I wasn't sure if this was the right place to post, but I see the relationships forum (or was I imagining it?) is gone ..
So, two weeks ago, I meet a girl passing through here on her way back to the US. We spend several days together, fall in love/lust (well I do, anyhow) and she leaves for another city. I follow her, we spend another two days together, then she returns to the US. During this time, the relationship is, um, physically reconciled.
Since then (the past week), we've been in vigorous contact - e-mailing, Skyping, talking on the phone everyday. She would like me to come visit.
The catch?
I suffer from severe depression and OCD, to the extent where leaving my room is difficult most days. She is highly intelligent, active, experienced, and has a life. She has her own issues, too, sure. But our worlds are so very far apart.
And yet, she claims to really like me. And I just can't bring myself to believe her. If I was in any other state, I would've been on a plane yesterday, but things are what they are, and I just wonder if maintaining contact is going to hurt me more in the long run, because if I extrapolate based on my general living capacity over the last 4 years, I have a 0.05% chance of ever reaching the US, and even if I did, I can't see the worth in going; I'm just far too unwell to cater to somebody else.
Part of me, in fact, actively hates her, out of the most crippled jealousy. I feel I want to cut her out of my life to spite her.
I don't know - it's so hard .. talking to her is the highlight of my day, it's the only part where I don't actively wish I was dead, but I just feel like I'm engaging in some elaborate fantasy. I know I can't live for someone else. I know being with her - in whatever capacity - isn't going to fix me. And yet, I can't help myself ..
poster:g_g_g_unit
thread:1008979
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20111220/msgs/1008979.html