Posted by Dinah on January 23, 2012, at 22:30:56
In reply to Re: I'm upset about an exchange with my therapist, posted by emmanuel98 on January 23, 2012, at 21:02:14
I absolutely agree with you.
That's why I said he didn't really do anything wrong.
It still hurts.
There may be a few other aspects that bother me. He's said about the possibility of paying through insurance (which would mean a lower rate for him) "You have the right to do that of course." in a very unhappy tone of voice. And he's sort of intimated that I might not like his diagnosis code - without actually saying so. Perhaps I'm imagining the threat. I guess that's similar to the feelings you're having about the DBT therapist? It's never pleasant, no matter how reasonable it is, to have someone say they don't want to see you at the same rate they see others.
Yet if I'm totally totally honest, I'll say that I like the feeling of power I get by paying him 1 1/2 times his insurance rate. I would hate having him cut his fee for me, because it would alter the balance of power and I'd feel obligated. Even if it's ridiculous to feel obligated if I still receives more from me than most of his clients. If he likes receiving money from me, there's some part of me that likes to pay him. It puts him in his place somehow. There's just something about handing him a check at the end of a session where he's hurt my feelings that somehow feels satisfying in an almost vicious sort of way. It protects me on one level even as it makes me feel insecure on another level.
That sounds absolutely terrible when I write it down, doesn't it? I like to think it's more a statement about my ambivalent feelings about the structure of therapy than it is about my personality. I don't have the impulse to throw a check at the feet of anyone else in my life, just to watch them pick it up off the ground. (Not that I've ever done that. Just in fantasy.)
poster:Dinah
thread:1008146
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20111220/msgs/1008248.html