Posted by antigua3 on July 24, 2011, at 13:10:23
In reply to Re: Motherly Therapist and Detached Daddy Psychiatrist » antigua3, posted by Daisym on July 18, 2011, at 23:41:41
Oh Daisy,
You are so wise, as always. Thank you so much. I think you are right about my pdoc's attachment style. I hadn't considered that at all, but that is the way he is. The harder I push, the harder he pushes back. I'm fairly confident about my own attachment style, as you described, but I hadn't thought about his. He hides behind the "Dr, professional, businessman" persona so he never has to show who he really is. We had a huge fight last time about this--and I think it's the last time I am going to try and reach him. His mantra has always been, "What's the best predictor of future behavior? Answer: Past behavior." And I always argue that he insists I change that pattern while he never does.But he actually suggested this time that perhaps he might "evolve" in this relationship. That made me laugh because he believes so strongly in his consistency and he has told me that he has selected this therapeutic approach with me--what I refer to as distant, cold and uncaring--but he may not in fact be that way at all and I just don't see it. When you've been through the sexual abuse by a trusting, adult (my father as you well know) and the betrayal, which leaves a lasting mark that I have not been able to completely eradicate when it comes to me, it leaves me with a distortion of who he is. He, in fact, has been nice to me. He returns my texts, answered my emergency one on a Sunday, returns my calls, tells me how far I've come and is generally very complimentary. But, he is never part of the journey, really. I have no idea how he feels about me and he says that no, I really do, so why is it so hard for me to accept that? What do I have to give up/what long-held belief about men do I have to accept has been wrong when I'm faced with this man in front of me? Why is it so important to me that I hear he cares and that I've made a difference in his life? Why doesn't he ever say that "we've made great progress?" Why are these things so important? That's what I'm grappling with right now because they don't have to be important, but right now I feel like that 9 yr old girl (not the teenager) who is so angry at her father because he left her.
I think I'm still holding onto the accountability piece. i want to hold him accountable because I don't have anyone to hold accountable for what happened. My abusers are dead and my mother never will, which I have accepted. So getting over this piece is important. But, like I said, my goal is to come to a place of acceptance so I can leave. I told him last time, "I get it. You're never going to change." and he never will. Maybe the word I'm searching for is "indignation"-- I feel that a lot toward him.
I know most people would be/are surprised that i've stayed with him this long, but we have done some great work together (but he never would include himself; it's always me) despite the "tough" nature of his approach. So why can't I step back and say, yea, he's a decent guy, he has done a lot for me and he does like me and care for me? Because as you said, he is denying my interpretation of our relationship, and won't correct it if in fact my interp is wrong when I desperately want him to. coming to terms with that is key. Why is the affirmation so important?
All that said, I am almost finished. I can feel it. But I have to come to terms with the intensity of the attachment. It does wax and wane between visits, but I do feel so attached. I was so angry last time I saw him and told him so, especially as it relates to attachment styles because I am an attachment figure and I know what it means to be one and he isn't fulfilling that for me, nor will he ever. So, acceptance of his limitations is important. But the last thing I will say is that it felt great to let him have it, in a way that he understands best--rationally and logically. But the emotion and hurt feelings are still there.
Sorry to be so long. It has been so long. Thank you for writing,
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:991272
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110706/msgs/991713.html