Posted by antigua3 on July 17, 2011, at 19:47:08
Sorry for hijacking your thread above, Anemone. I should have known better, but the thread hit a nerve of what I've been going through.
Dinah, you said that you didn't think my psychiatrist was warm and fuzzy with anyone--I've heard him with children and he is, and i guess what I want is to be treated like one of those children, when the whole point, of course, is to grow up, which is, again, highly rated. Recently, he mentioned that my little girl no longer showed up in session and he thinks I act more like a teenager now, rebellious is I think what he was aiming for. But I don't want to ever be the woman, that's much too scary, even though the sexual feeling have been present for years. Ha, I thought I was going to be immune from that.
Transference is hell, no matter how it plays out. It's a mix of who the person represents to you PLUS who they really are and it's hard to know which is real. At least for me, that is.
I am almost finished with therapy. I can feel it. But I do have this large stumbling block in my way, whether I decide to smash through the rock or politely dance around it is what I have left. I have to come to terms with my feelings of intense attachment for my pdoc and somehow or other, and whatever time it takes, I will get there. Or I will decide to leave, satisifed with my lot in life, with what he has given me. It will be a compromise, but life is a compromise. right now I guess I'm still fighting him.
My motherly therapist... so hard to write about her. She was one of the most wonderful people I think I ever met. She may have been doing her job (as I claim my pdoc is "just doing his job"), but she was the most compassionate, loving, kind, etc. therapist. she didn't have to be, but she always way.
I stopped seeing her about 1 1/2 yrs ago because I wanted to start flying on my own, and also, there was also too much of a renactment of father, mother, daughter in the triad between her, me, and my pdoc. She gave me wings, I had internalized what she taught me, but she always said she would be there for me if I needed her.
I saw her once in the first year, I think, not much more than that. In the past 6 months I got in touch with her to try to sort out my "daddy" issues and it was very difficult to see her. I think she has early Alzheimers. She is barely 70, I think, or not much older than that. In scheduling an appt, she would call me four or five times the day before to make sure we had the time right, not remembering that she had already called me. When I saw her last, she was forgetful in session, which she never, ever was, and then she was supposed to contact me for a follow-up session after checking her schedule. Haven't heard from her since. I can call her if I want, I know, but... this 4 or 5 times of getting in touch with me the day before the appt started a little before I left. She denies anything is wrong and it wouldn't be kind to point out how far she has fallen.
I still believe in her and love her, and if I need her, I would call her.
I really want to be through with therapy. I told my psychiatrist the other night that I will never, ever start over with someone else. this is it. I've done my time and I will be done when I finish with him.
I just wish it wasn't always so rocky. He's just so cold and so harsh.
Hope everyone is hanging in there. I'm ready for Camp Comfort. I know I haven't been around. My life has been so busy (which is why my psych thinks I'm so much better), but I don't necessarily agree.
I don't know. I feel so alone in this process with him. Without my t, there is no love, compassion or empathy and I guess I'm drawing a line in the sand. I deserve that. every human being deserves that and if he refuses to provide it (because I do believe he provides it, just not to me), then I have to make the decision to move on. I will, but not until I am past the transference.
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:991272
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110706/msgs/991272.html