Posted by Dinah on July 17, 2011, at 16:39:12
In reply to Re: Techniques, posted by antigua3 on July 17, 2011, at 13:01:24
I don't ever think you'll get him to be a warm attachment figure. You may see glimpses of it with others, and perhaps they would see glimpses of it with you, but I really don't think that's who he is.
Can you take the good in the relationship, and recognize that he is who he is, and it's no reflection on you? Just as your father's role in your relationship reflected who he was, not who you were. And in some ways he does show his caring to you. By being a consistent presence in your life. By not rejecting you. By doing his best for you as a client, so far as he understands it. A stereotypical undemonstrative father who shows care by doing?
That being said, I will acknowledge that no matter the ideal, the therapeutic relationship really isn't entirely different from other relationships. Sometimes therapeutic partners get into a pattern just as married couples or parents and children do. Where needs and expectations on one side can cause an emotional withdrawal on the other side. I will rather shamefacedly admit that I occasionally mind the therapeutic relationship as I might mind my marital or even parental relationship. I say shamefacedly because I know that theoretically a client shouldn't have to do that. That a therapist is responsible for his reactions in the therapeutic relationship.
Still, there are times when I step back and look at the pattern going on and do something on my side to try to change it. I acknowledge that while he does this sometimes, I'm better at recognizing when it needs to be done. This last breach between us had a number of causes. He wasn't being professional, the boundaries had gotten a bit lax, and he admits now that he really wasn't himself. He does have depression from time to time, though I'm not sure if that played a role this time. But part of it was that I had gotten into the role of criticizing him for his lack of attentiveness in session. And being very watchful for sleepiness on his part, at which time I'd pounce on it as proof that he didn't care, that he wasn't being a good therapist, etc. And while that was true, it wasn't doing the situation much good. He got sleepier, I got angrier. I had to take a step back (with the aid of a month of quitting) and choose to change the dance. Instead of looking for signs that he didn't care, I made the decision to tell him how much I appreciated this or that quality of his. Or how much he had helped me with such and such. When I changed my moves, he seemed to change his. I find the same thing happens with my husband.
While I don't for one second believe that your therapist cares more for other clients or would be warm and fuzzy for anyone at all, I do wonder if maybe you've developed a well practiced dance between the two of you. And if you think that may be true, whether there's any way to refuse to dance that dance for a while, and seek out a new pattern.
Which may or may not be helpful to you. I'm not up to date on your story.
(And I'm dreadfully sorry to have forgotten, but did your motherly therapist retire?)
poster:Dinah
thread:990825
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110706/msgs/991258.html