Posted by Annabelle Smith on March 31, 2011, at 22:58:35
I feel so depressed right now that I don't know what to do.
I seriously think I will fill my Ambien Rx tomorrow, just to have if I need it over the weekend.
My therapist and I got in something like a fight today. I had a session this morning-- it didn't go well. I wasn't present. Last week, I had the best session I have ever had. We *finally were able to talk about real issues. I had decided that I was going to stay in my current town for the program I was entering into. It is a masters program with decent funding-- but I will still have some significant loans.
My other option is to go to Boston. I got into a program there with better funding. Last week, I had decided to stay in my city, but had already planned a visit to Boston. I got back from my trip yesterday and am in absolute turmoil. I have to decide very soon.
That's what I needed my session today to be about-- but we went around in circles. He kept saying that he thought I was hurting, but OK. He kept saying that he honestly thought that I could go or stay and be fine in both places. He said that if he thought I needed to stay here, he would have told me. That is what makes me so angry. Why can't he see that I need to stay here-- obviously, he doesn't get what is going on; he doesn't get that this is so important to me, more than ANYTHING else right now. It makes me want to kill myself to prove to him that I am NOT OK and that the suicide is his f*ck*ng fault for not helping more, not caring more, not making this decision for me, not taking me seriously. God dammit, I am serious.
I feel nausea. I feel checked out. I am ready to die.
After all of this, I left the session in what feels like an inner torture. I needed somewhere else to talk this out, so I went to a free service at the psych and counseling center to try to seek more help for myself in this decision. I would have much preferred to have called my therapist, but I didn't want to bother him again. I went to the center and met with a psychologist, who was nice but to whom I felt no connection and who did not understand or hear what I was saying. I had this nauseating feeling that if I left for Boston and tried to find a new therapist there, this is how it would be. Never again would I feel the connection I have now. I left that session today in absolute anxiety, knowing that I needed to stay with my therapist here, but feeling so sure inside that he was going to leave and not be here anymore.
I had to call him to make sure this wasn't true. I called him, and he returned my call later. He tried to sound calm and normal, but I could tell he was frustrated-- I had just seen him today. He more forcefully said that he really thought I would be fine if I left. NO. NO. NO. He doesn't get it. :'(
I am done. I am so ready to check out. I feel so scared and one step away from absolute crazy. I have talked to myself over and over again that suicide is not the answer. But it feels like the only answer now. Before I have to leave, I feel like this needs to happen. I feel like I need to go to the hospital tonight-- I know the option is there.
For suicide, what I have are pills. All of the Ambien, 2 kinds of anti-depressants, nyquil, aspirin, tylenol. Dear f*ck*ng God. Death. To sleep forever. I feel like it is a way to stay connected to my therapist forever. Like it will be his thing to deal with. I hate him right now. How dare he to tell me that I am OK and would be fine to not work with him.
I think he knows that the program I would be giving up to stay here and work here is a bit better for me. Better program, better city, better financial situation. Slightly. But no him. And right now, he is the most important element for me. I could defer for a year-- but he told me that to do that and focus solely on therapy would not be good, as I am already too obsessed.
Dear f*ck*ng God, I hate you. I hate that I was born. I hate myself, my life, everything. I hate my therapist but I love him so deeply, with a primal love that feels like the very constitutive being of my own life.
I just want to die, to make all of this end. I don't think I can hang on much longer.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:981607
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110324/msgs/981607.html