Posted by Dinah on March 20, 2011, at 7:32:58
In reply to Re:omg, posted by annierose on March 19, 2011, at 20:55:58
Well, they weren't conciliatory calls on my side. They were angry calls as I one thing after another flashed into my brain of what he said. Finally I realized that I was working myself up into a full blown meltdown, and called him one last time to try to stop myself from falling over the edge. I think during the day at least it's helped. It all feels fuzzy and unreal.
The more I respond to people, the more I see that therapy has been spiraling down for months. Probably since the time I was pulling back from Babble. I had pulled back a bit on some boundaries, perhaps more forcefully than I should have. I didn't say anything directly, but I was a bit more vigilant about not responding to topics that were about him. I perhaps did mention at least once, in a totally different context, that he was my therapist rather than a friend. I think I'd grown to see, and perhaps resent, that he was more animated when talking about himself than when talking about me. Not that that isn't fine in a friend, but I don't pay my friends for their time. I felt really bad and guilty about pulling back on those boundaries, because I do care about him, and maybe if the topic hadn't have been his wonderful job at weight loss and exercise, I might have been more tolerant.
Then the issue of sleepiness was getting to be more and more a bone of contention. Not that he ever disagreed with me. In fact, after I showed him the thread from Babble on the topic, he was properly understanding of how hurtful it could be. But it got worse. And worse. Until it was almost ludicrous. Until it appeared to be some passive aggressive way of showing anger and contempt for me. I would cry almost every session at what felt like a slap in the face from his lack of focus and engagement. I'd leave every session feeling like such a loser that I couldn't even pay someone to pretend to be interested in me.
And of course, I had needed him less lately, and had expressed this to him. He seemed glad and proud, rather than upset. Now I wonder how much those feelings arose from the fact that he wasn't being all that helpful because he wasn't being all that present. Chicken and egg I suppose.
It just snowballed.
Even now I am not sure whether he's acting more from being glad I need him less and wanting to do his part to see that accelerated, or recognizing that he was feeling less engaged because I do need him less. Or anger from any hurt feelings I may have given him.
Though hurt feelings would imply more feelings of attachment than I currently credit him with. I think I've been fooling myself about that.
poster:Dinah
thread:980656
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110206/msgs/980778.html