Posted by pegasus on March 15, 2011, at 10:07:20
In reply to in chaos, posted by Annabelle Smith on March 14, 2011, at 19:27:59
"I feel like my self is dispersed-- like there is no self. I know that the choice I make will create the self that I become."
Oh, sweetie, it sounds like such torture. And I think you've hit the nail right on the head. You don't have a solid sense of self. But your choice doesn't have to equal who you become. It is possible to develop a more solid sense of self that isn't so easily changed by one life experience or another. I think that's a lot of what therapy can be about.
And . . . when I think about your predicament, I can't help noticing that someone else might be able to view this decision as a really cool thing. I mean, both options have some really wonderful things about them. You could take the job where you are, and stay with your beloved T, with whom you are doing important work (I gather). Yay! Or, you could go participate in the program of your dreams. Yay!
The bad thing is that you cannot do both good things. Even though it sounds like you know which decision you'll be making, you can't let go of the other option, because it's also so good. So, the key is to find a way to let go, without tearing yourself up inside about it.
I wonder if there is a chance that you could apply to the program of your dreams again in 3 years?
Or, maybe you can try to focus mostly on all the great work you'll be able to do with your T in that time. 3 years of good therapy can accomplish a *lot*. It seems likely that that could be as valuable as the other program to your future life. I mean, imagine going forward with less of this chaos all the time? The chaos seems to be pretty constant and debilitating to you. Is there a program on Earth that could be worth keeping that in your life? It's hard to imagine from this distance, at least.
I've found that when I think I'm making a huge life changing decision, it always turns out to be something other than what I thought it would be. No matter which way I choose. I've learned to stop putting so much stock in what I think I'm doing, and try to be more open to the fluidity of life, and my ability to adjust to that. Some of my worst decisions have led to some of the most wonderful things in my life. And vice versa. So, the key is to develop your ability to roll with what comes. In my opinion.
I hope this is helpful, and not more disturbing. If it's unhelpful, please feel free to say that this is not what you want.
Let us know what you decide.
- P
poster:pegasus
thread:980467
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110206/msgs/980492.html