Posted by Annabelle Smith on March 14, 2011, at 19:27:59
I haven't posted on here in a while. Things have been up and down and all around. Each day; many times each day. One moment I think I am fine, and the next, I plunge into what feels like a never-ending darkness and loneliness. I feel so lost. There are so many different thoughts that race through my mind. But right now, I am standing at the fork of the biggest decision of my life thus far, and I have no idea how to choose.
I know these type of decisions are hard for everyone-- all decisions are-- but for me right now, I have so much hinging upon it: it feels like my life is hinging upon it. I will talk to my therapist about this on Wednesday, but the session goes by so quickly, and I need so much help in deciding. Also, I know that he will not decide for me-- he will make me choose.
It is a question of whether I stay or go. I have the option of staying in my current city and working within a program to which I have been accepted that is where I am currently at. I would be here for 3 more years-- that would give me an open-ended amount of time to work with my therapist. I have been so worried about not having enough time. Here, I have all of the time that I need.
This would be to stay.
However, the other option is to go-- sometimes I think that because I am in such an intense transferential relationship right now, I am seeing the world as distorted. I have been accepted into the program of my dreams, and if I accepted the offer, I would move to the North. Sometimes I think I can just choose to be OK-- why can't I? Choose to forget all of this mess; move on to a brand new start; re-create the self that I am; become a new self. But I know I can't. I might fool myself for a while, but not forever. The thought that I can begin anew and be OK is just another part of the riddle in which I am trapped.
The very thought of having to start over with a new therapist makes me want to vomit. I can't do it. First, if I moved, I would spend my time searching the whole city to find a therapist just like my current therapist. I will not find anyone just like him. Even if I found someone competent who was accepting new clients, I would have to go through all of this again. There is no way that I can tell someone what is wrong, what is going on. I feel like my current therapist shares a history with me that is inaccessible to words alone; I feel like I am in the middle of a transferential relationship that if I give it time to work through, will end with much healing.
But then I wonder, what if I am wrong? What if staying here ends up being the worst thing for me.
I don't know how to choose, or even who to talk to this about. Most people would not understand. I know a lot of people look at me and think that I am being ridiculous. They see me as young and as having all of the time in the world. That may be partially true, but it is also not true. I think that I will never again have the opportunity with which I am confronted. It is a once-in-a-lifetime chance.I feel like if I leave my therapist, maybe I will be alone forever, living my life as I have been doing so for years. It has been such a struggle, and I am afraid. I am afraid to move to a new city with the hopes of being OK, but not really being OK-- becoming depressed for what I have lost here. I am most afraid of suicide. I can never escape it. It is always there. I am afraid of not taking the time to face up to what is haunting me inside.
As much as I want to go towards what is new and towards the dreams I have had for so long, I think that underneath that might just be a running away from what it is that I most need to face.
Right now, I feel so distressed and chaotic. I cannot rest. This is awful. I think I know what is best for me, what I must do.
I think I need to stay here and work with my therapist-- take the time, however long it takes, and reach a place of better health and hope. Let the process run its course with time.
But maybe I am wrong.
I feel like my self is dispersed-- like there is no self. I know that the choice I make will create the self that I become. I feel this truth deep inside. It is so scary. I have 2 weeks to decide.
How to choose:
Each option yields its own stream of possibilities and to choose for one seems to be to choose against the others. Within each stream, there is much that is necessary, though different and mutually exclusive; having to lose what could be induces fear and deep insatiable grief. But something will have to be lost, I think, because that is actually the only way that something can ever be gained.
Even not choosing itself is a choice. There is no escape.
To sit in the totality of indecision is to be paralyzed in the chaos, to be locked within the torment of hell and the only way out
is to choose to leave.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:980467
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110206/msgs/980467.html