Posted by obsidian on February 26, 2011, at 10:40:50
In reply to Re: Trigger*** so I found myself thinking.... » obsidian, posted by Dinah on February 26, 2011, at 8:25:52
and I have a lot of distractions, a lot of them.
but in the state, the thoughts just kept coming, whether I wanted to think about them or not.time spent alone is dedicated to it.
it was like...I have to solve this problem. I don't know how to solve this problem, what can I do? what are my options? I could simply implode/explode at this point, but I can't really do that. I have bills to pay. I fantasize about working part time, and that's just ridiculous.
but maybe I could feel better than this??
well maybe not
maybe the medications aren't doing a damn thing?
so f*ck 'em. I will not take them, I will endure the withdrawal, and that will be it with them.
and my therapist over-reacts to the medication thing. makes me feel like a "mental patient".
That's a weird feeling, to feel like a mental patient.
like, "I just can't hold it together. My moods are obvious, and I try to fake it through most of it, but it's just there, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I am anxious beyond belief, and it's hellish for me to push through it."I know however, that I will push through it, because some days are better.
the ridiculous idea of going to a hospital briefly occurs to me. I know they are not helpful places, and the thought of it is repulsive. They are not romantic places, they are misery, anger, illness, desperation. Beyond meds, they don't have much. they don't have movies about what those places are really like, they have idealized ones where they sit around and talk on a daily basis whether they wanted to or not.
It reminds me of the myth of sisyphus.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Myth_of_Sisyphus
and my pdoc said he would hospitalize me for a day if he had to. that scared the hell out of me. "Oh, no, no, I don't need that, no, no."
when I want to say: "what are you f'ing nuts?"
I don't need that problem.I do appreciate what you've shared. It makes good sense to me. Thank you.
poster:obsidian
thread:979804
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110206/msgs/979818.html