Posted by Dinah on February 26, 2011, at 8:25:52
In reply to Re: Trigger*** so I found myself thinking.... » Dinah, posted by obsidian on February 25, 2011, at 23:22:30
I'm not fussing at you when I say this, merely sharing my own conclusions about an experience I too have had. And will likely have in the future.
I tend to obsess about killing myself when I'm under stress. My therapist says that I think about death like some people think about running away to Tahiti. It's not a conscious thing, but it does definitely seem to be a linked cause and effect thing. I get obsessions, and when I'm stressed I obsess about ways to escape.
It's horribly unpleasant, even if there is some comfort to me in it. I tell my therapist that without my suicidal ideation, life might sometimes be too scary to bear. Even when I'm not currently stressed, I keep that thought in my back pocket as a way to escape the most feared outcome. But the moments where it becomes an inescapable obsession are scary and unpleasant and beyond my control. I'm never sure I won't act on them. I don't think it would be safe to be sure, and I am angry with my therapist when he seems too sure that I won't act on them.
All that is really beyond my control. Thoughts are thoughts and obsessive thoughts are by nature not something we will on ourselves.
But actions are actions. What we do with those thoughts *is* in our control. And we have a responsibility with respect to our actions, to ourselves, to our loved ones, and to (if one is religious) our creator.
That's one reason I don't want to be on insulin. And why I don't keep a gun in the house. And why it's important to resist the urge to turn away from therapists and pdocs when in the grip of an obsession. And why, even if it might upset my husband, it is important to take the thing I'm obsessing about out of the reach of impulsive action. My husband doesn't like it and it does frankly upset him. But I assume he'd like even less finding me unconscious because I was momentarily weak.
Admittedly it can be unpleasant to ask my husband to hold my pills. He tends to get angry when he's anxious. I'm pretty sure my therapist would hold my pills for me, and give me just enough until I next saw him, if I was worrying about acting on the obsession, or just wanted to be able to live without the constant obsessions. I *think* it's also possible to have a pharmacy split doses into nonlethal amounts, if necessary.
These are my own conclusions on what I ought to do in similar experiences. Just thought I'd share them, for what they are worth.
poster:Dinah
thread:979804
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110206/msgs/979814.html