Posted by Solstice on November 5, 2010, at 12:13:56
In reply to Re: Trust » Solstice, posted by pegasus on November 5, 2010, at 11:26:36
> "Taking the pressure off of 'having' to trust kind of created more room for it to flourish. And I mean both pressure from HT as therapist, as well as pressure from my own self to 'have' to trust. I don't 'have' to trust, but I will trust as long as I sense it is safe to do so."
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> Yeah, that's it, isn't it? This feels profound to me, in the middle of my testing of my new T, to figure out the level of trust I can have. I've been feeling bad about all the testing. But you're saying more, even, than that I have permission. You're saying it's what you need to do.
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> Thanks.
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> - PPeg -
Wow... what you said is exactly 'it'! It felt weird for a long time when HT responded to my struggle to trust him/her with relief... even gladness. I remember HT specifically telling me that s/he'd be more worried about me if I could trust, than if I couldn't. HT felt good about my reluctance.. and my 'testing.' I remember one time in therapy talking about something that had taken place (can't remember the details), but HT said (with a smile) "This feels like a Love Test!" THAT jarred me :) But by then, 'yucky' concepts had become more tolerable for me. I brought it up a week or so later, and HT explained that what was taking place was s/he'd recognized it as a 'test' of whether s/he would stay in this with me.
So yeah Peg.. according to HT, holding your trust in reserve... and being slow to trust... is the healthy way to trust.. ESPECIALLY in therapy.
I remember after my relationship with TT, all the trauma of that was in the open and I was struggling with the pain of it all, on several occasions HT said something along the lines that if I had not trusted so heartily, I would have been better at recognizing I had to get out of there. HT told me s/he did not ever want me to trust ANY therapist, including him/her, that exclusively. It was all about killing that Buddah thing. That phrase kind of became our way of referring to the concept. NObody should be anyone's Buddah. If you try to make someone a Buddah (or they try to be a Buddah), make yourself strip them of that power. That's healthy. According to my HT, anyway.
And by the way, Peg... I was so intrigued by your recent search for a new T. I'd never told my HT about my reading psycho-babble. But I hung on every word of your therapist search, fascinated by the processm and so grateful that you shared all of the twists and turns of the decision-making process.. what affected you.. and what didn't. That's when I shared psycho-babble with HT. I brought my laptop to therapy and opened up your therapist search and read some of the posts. S/he asked me if I posted on the forum. At the time, I hadn't, so I said 'no.' I see HT today - so haven't (and probably won't anyway) said anything about posting - but I don't care if s/he reads it. It has been so liberating for me to be in a therapeutic relationship where I genuinely feel safe hiding nothing. And if anything happened that made me not feel safe, first I'd say something and anticipate 'working it out together.' If I felt harm was coming to me, I think I would be hurt and disappointed, but I do think I would now not stay in a toxic therapy. So 'trust' should always be contingent. Kudo's to my HT for maintaining an environment that has allowed that to develop, take root, and become part of me... I don't think I'd have ever figured it out on my own.
Solstice
poster:Solstice
thread:968352
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20101023/msgs/968612.html