Posted by Solstice on November 22, 2010, at 9:13:22
In reply to Re: Trust » Solstice, posted by floatingbridge on November 14, 2010, at 16:16:49
> Hi Solstice,
>
> Welcome :) I appreciate you sharing your experiences.Thanks, FB.. and I am so sorry about the delay in my response. I didn't see it until last night. Those little yellow things that alert me to new posts are only there very briefly, so if I get interrupted and come back later & refresh, it'll be gone and I won't notice a new post..
> After reading this thread (just now, a little late), I have a question I'd like to ask.
>
> Now that you have a sense of or know a
> healthy relationship, is it difficult to deal with less?
:-) Yes. I don't want to settle for less. What I've come to realize is that I don't *have* to settle for less. It's not even good to settle for less! My therapist - the one who has had to deal with all the muck from my previously toxic therapy - has provided for me a relationship environment that successfully moved me from one place to another. I used to believe I had little or no control.. it didn't occur to me that I had a choice. Think about it.. I was in a therapeutic relationship that was disempowering me, confusing me, minimizing the pain I was in, diminishing me, blaming me, re-traumatizing me. and I was PAYING for it! And I stayed. and stayed. What does that tell you about how UNable I was to see myself as having the ability to choose? It might seem like a no-brainer.. but well.. what can I say.From where I sit, the different place I'm in now might be miraculous. There is just no way that I'm willing now to settle for less. For a long, long time now my therapist has worked on trying to get me to come out of my safe little 'cave.' I couldn't/wouldn't budge. I think I felt unable to distinguish between what was safe for me, and what was harmful to me (because I didn't do so hot in getting myself out of that toxic therapeutic relationship). T kept telling me "Solstice.. I'm not worried about you being able to keep yourself safe.. I think your radar is good now." After I started venturing out of my cave a bit, I found out this was true. My radar is good. I make judgments about things.. and then I make decisions about whether I'm willing to stay with it.
Now that I'm healthier, being in an unhealthy relationship just doesn't work for me. I'm just not interested. If it's not working for me, it's just not working for me. Maybe the big difference now is that I have let go of *needing* to fix it.. of *needing* to coax the other party to want to be with me bad enough to change for me.
> I'm not thinking of my own T, but another doctor I work with for health/pain management. He really does not
> get why some things are difficult to implement, why I move at such a slow pace. I think I've told him clearly enough > a few times. Still, it kinda takes the wind out of me, to be dealt with in subtly non-respectful ways.I'd find another doctor.. one who works to 'get it.' Your phrase "why I move at such a slow pace" made me think. It's probably not exactly the same, but that was crucial with my current T. T wanted me to *move* faster than I could move through the healing process. T pushed, and I pushed back. Sometimes it felt like pressure and disapproval, and our relationship would destabilize. But T would notice it.. and help me figure out how to put a voice to it. I think the Really important thing is that T minded the attunement. If it was off, T didn't hold me responsible for fixing it. T faithfully upheld the commitment made to "work it out together."
> He's not my T. That's clear. But am I
> clear? I do have difficulties with doctors because of body issues....
>
> Guess I'm still coltishly wobbly :)
>
> I wrote a letter to said doc, but will probably go over it with T.I think you know what you're doing! It's always worth it to approach and try to work it out, which is what you're doing with the letter. Just don't let yourself be too attached to the outcome, because you can't control how the doc reacts. Just be prepared to find someone else to give you the medical care you need. You deserve to have what works well for you.
It might sound simple, but it gets complicated when we have relationships with someone who is in an authoritative role like that.
Solstice
poster:Solstice
thread:968352
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20101115/msgs/971001.html