Posted by Solstice on November 4, 2010, at 15:33:20
In reply to Re: Question » Solstice, posted by Dinah on November 4, 2010, at 13:55:18
> Oh wow. The way you describe your HT sounds so much like my therapist!
Actually, it was partly my reading (all the way back in archives) about the evolution of your relationship with your therapist that - along with my HT's therapeutically different responses - that helped me realize that my need for a safe attachment was not inherently 'bad.'
>I think that without that quality, I'd have left long ago and without making a single change.
But... unlike you, I was so psychologically frail that I bought it hook, line and sinker that "I" was the entire problem, and that TT was my only hope to straighten myself up. My primal need for attachment and validation having never been met didn't help, either. Thing is, that the more painful 'therapy' became with TT, and the more damage that was done to me, the more unable I was to extract myself. Part of that is related to the virgin-trust I had placed in him. I had never trusted before... and for my first experience of trust to bring me so much harm...
Most people who enter therapy have something inside that is broken. For me though, it's like I went in with a broken leg - limping, and came out with a broken neck, paralized.
>
> I've also seen therapists like your TT. I think they may be helpful for some people, and I'm sure they think they're doing the right thing. But...Yeah.. that's a big "But.."! Bottom line is that based on my experience, being in the role of a therapist is one that should be permeated with humility and a grave sense of responsibility to the well-being of the client. No one can destroy a person quite like a therapist. My own parents' emotional neglect was harmful - but it didn't destroy me. What happened to me in the care of my TT created an emotional 'deadness' that I struggle mightily to recover from. The cost of my inability to extract myself was high. I will never be the same, and I'd give anything to recover the parts of me that fell into the abyss of a very toxic therapeutic relationship. If TT had had some humility - some ability to hold himself responsible for recognizing a client deteriorating - and then figuring out a way to either heal the therapeutic relationship or get help in figuring it out or helping a client who is deteriorating transition to a therapist more suited to their needs... I wonder about the different course my life could have taken.
>
> I'm intrigued by your therapist asking for feedback at each session. I'd heard of the technique. It's highly recommended. I've never had experience of it. Was it difficult to answer?
>We talked about that experience down the road. I don't know that HT was intentionally going for feedback as a technique. I think HT just happens to intuitively understand that it's crucial - and isn't going to leave it up to a client to make sure a problem is brought up. It wasn't like a formal feedback inquiry. It was more like - we were just starting therapy, and HT saw it as his/her responsibility to make sure it was working... to set it up right. I wasn't expected to bring it up on my own. This was before he/she knew I'd ever been in therapy, much less a harmful therapy. Before I'd leave, for the first few months, it was just a simple, "Now Solstice, let me ask you - is this relationship working for you?" and "Do you feel like you can tell me if there's something that is not working?" It was always a variation of that kind of question. I'd always answer "Oh sure - yeah, everything's fine!" After what I'd been through (and was simultaneously going through b/c I was still seeing TT), the question always jarred me. At the same time as HT was asking me to bring up problems and assuring me we'd 'work it out together,' TT was blaming me for the problems in my relationship with him. At that point there weren't any problems in my therapyt with HT, but HT's interest in how I was experiencing our relationship stuck with me throught the week. When HT finally said "Solstice, I need to know that I can trust you to tell me if there is something wrong." It startled me. There was something about the deep sincerity of that - it was like HT really NEEDED this from me - to know that he/she could trust me to bring any problems the relationship might be causing for me - that penetrated me deeply. It went into that searing wound I had and made me feel that in this therapeutic relationshp, I did not have to fear being blamed... shamed... or otherwise harmed if I neededed to talk about the therapeutic relationship. HT wanted to know! More importantly, HT NEEDED to know. It made me feel safe.
The sense of safety that then emerged generated some unconscious exploration on my part of whether I really could bring up a 'problem' in the relationship and it turn out well. Considering my past experience, it was intensely risky for me. Fortunately, HT never responded in any way other than with deep interest in how our relationship felt to me. There were a number of conversations HT had with me that were very difficult for me to hear. HT had a terrible time getting me to believe that it would be good for me to feel attached to him/her. I was very avoidant. Attached?? You've got to be kidding! Then there were these knowing 'looks' I'd get that implied that he/she wouldn't be satisfied until I was attached. Talk about me being a wreck. I didn't say it, but I think HT sensed a "not if I can help it" reaction from me. I'll never forget one time in session we're talking, and it may have been about a 'complaint' I was bringing up. HT wryly says "Sounds like attachment to me." Stopped me dead in my tracks. HT was telling me that I'd just said something that told him/her that I was attached to him/her! I felt like I was (proverbially) caught with my pants down. Exposed. Yikes! Oh God NO!! Please don't say that scary word! Don't tell me I'm attached! :) Nowadays, HT will inquire (often with probing questions that make me tempted to squirm) anytime he/she senses something amiss with me, but he/she has learned to trust that I DO feel safe enough with him/her to bring anything up that's bothering me about our relationship. I dunno - but there's something sacred about the dynamic for me. HT seems to believe it is his/her responsibility to create and maintain the safety of the relationship. TT didn't hold himself responsible for that. At all.
Solstice
poster:Solstice
thread:968352
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20101023/msgs/968425.html