Posted by Solstice on November 4, 2010, at 13:40:54
In reply to Re: Question » Solstice, posted by Dinah on November 4, 2010, at 11:07:47
Hi Dinah!
It's sort of surreal for me to be 'talking' to you. I've felt a one-sided affinity with you for years now. You have taught me more than you can possibly imagine.
It was a strange transition from "Toxic T" (TT) to "Healling T" (HT). I entered therapy initially because multiple life crisis/trauma accumulated and like an avalanche, I was crushed beneath them in a way that rendered me non-functioning. There was one particular day that a very tiny straw broke the camel's back. I very clearly remember experiencing myself (or my psyche) fracturing. It wasn't psychosis - it was like somewhere inside myself the strong, capable part of me disappeared.
I called a PhD who I had encountered years before. Initially, therapy was fine. But my traumatic experiences, and the effect of those experiences on me, tapped into a very invalidating childhood where I was moved all over the country and had never been provided a sense of relationship safety or emotional connection. I had figured out(unawares) how to manage and was quite happy the first big chunk of my life. But when life brought me to my knees, a very deep need to be bonded, connected, understood to and by someone who represented parental-type authority took over. It's only in retrospect that I've understood that's what was taking place.
TT didn't 'get' it. He tended to respond defensively to my attempts to establish a feeling of connection - my attempts to feel understood. His ideas about 'good therapy' were in conflict with what I needed (but didn't realize I needed). I was so broken and in so much pain when I started therapy, that out of sheer desperation I did the one thing I had never really done. I trusted someone. I trusted him.
I am certain he did not mean any harm. But it created a world of unnecessary pain and some permanent injuries to me that he was just not very good at believing that he could learn what I needed therapeutically through my naive and inexperienced ways of trying to 'tell' him. What made it especially difficult is that there were times that I got what I needed. Unfortunately, those times were few and far between. I tried to 'tell' him what I needed by describing therapeutic experiences I had with him that were healing. That 'turned the tide.' That were effective. I'll never understand it, but in those moments (that believe me, took a lot of time to muster the courage to talk about).. but it's like he had a very simple rule that if he found out what a client thought they needed from him, then his job was to cut it off. Didn't seem to matter what it was.
Anyway, I started into a tailspin over some unresolved 'breaks' in our relationship. He misunderstood something I asked him about that wasn't even related to me. He gave me his rendition of what I intended. I tried to correct his misunderstanding of what I intended. He adamantly stood by his notion. He refused to consider that he had misinterpreted. Because of my life experience, that caused a deep wound in me and started an escallation of my downward spiral. At that point, multiple things came up in quick succession that were deeply hurtful. I could not re-establish a feeling of connection with him, and he didn't seem to understand how crucial it was that he at least pretend he saw himself as playing a role in the breakdown of our relationship. He was pretty clear that he considered it my fault.
Early in therapy he made quite a point of telling me that he didn't think there were very many 'good' therapists. He told me multiple times about his criteria for determining whether any kind of professional would have access to his kids (teachers/coaches, etc), and since his clients were just right below his immediate family in importance, he was very picky about professionals he would recommend to his clients. For example in his absence he could not trust any other therapist to step in for an emergency. He said there were only one or two psychiatrists in our large metropolis that he would refer one of his patients to see. That felt good when I was initially so confused and felt in such great need of protection. But when our relationship fell apart a couple of years later, I became very fearful that he would get angry with me (since it was my fault) and would kick me out, at which point I'd be thrown to the wolves (all the 'bad' therapists that don't meet his high standard) out there. He never said he would kick me out - but my fear of it was intense. I told him about it, and even though he said he would stay with me, the chasm.. the enormous fracture in our therapeutic connection was such a threat to me that I couldn't 'hear' that he was committed.
So, I contacted a friend who is a psychiatrist, and asked for a referral. I didn't tell this friend what was going on, but I wanted a name and number in my pocket to call in case the nightmare I feared (that I would be kicked out) came to life. What I didn't plan on, was that my psychiatrist friend kept calling me to ask if I'd seen the therapist, and whether it was working for me. I was so embarassed about the psychological pain I was in, that I didn't want to explain it to my friend - so I called the referral and thought "Well, I meet this new T, that'll be good, and then my friend will stop asking, and I'll have met who will catch me if my TT throws me to the wolves." I met with New HT, and HT properly inquired about my intentions to continue, etc. HT had no idea I had been in therapy. The intake form asked, but I left it blank. So for a good long while, probably close to a year, I saw them both.
I learned things from that convoluted process that were crucial to my ultimate survival. I experimented - brought up the same kind of stuff with HT that was causing me trouble with TT. The vastly different therapeutic response was profound for me. The initial fascinating thing was that HT asked me, week after week, "is this relationship working for you?" HT kept asking me if I would be able to tell him/her if something was wrong - if something he/she said was hurting rather than helping. Week after week, HT inquired about the quality of our relationship. As a result, I my focus was held there. And then one day the comment came that hit me like a ton of granite. After inquiring about how I felt about our relationship, HT said "Solstice, I need to know that I can trust you to tell me if something is wrong. I ask because I'm not perfect, and I can pretty much guarantee that at some point, I will disappoint you. But if you will tell me about it, we will work it out together." Wow. Seems simple, but I was blown away. We would work it out together??? That's what I'd been trying to get TT to do for a year now, and here HT is, offering it to me like a gift! He/she was practically begging me to promise that I would complain if something happened in therapy that was 'bad' - and he/she wanted to know so that he/she could work it out together with me! OMG that was profoundly healing to me. I assured HT that I would be willing to say something if there was a problem. Without realizing it, I think I then started experimenting with what it might look like if I complained to HT about therapy. It was little bitty stuff. If during a session I thought I'd been 'read' wrong, I'd stop HT and onfront it. Without fail - every single time - HT was deeply interested in how I experienced our relatinoship. Without exception, HT would, without a single shred of defensiveness, inquire about my thoughts, feelings, and reactions to what it was I 'complained' about. I had never in my life experienced such a thing. HT really did work things out with me. Time after time after time. It created an entirely new relationship experience for me. In response, HT would adjust. It may seem like it's not a big deal, but it was for me. An earth-shaking big deal.
Early in my therapeutic journey with HT, I showed up for an appointment and HT did not. I was an anxious mess. My fear was enormous. About 15 min after our meeting time, I finally worked up the nerve (sweating and shaking thru the whole ting), to call HT. Left a message on voicemail saying I might have been wrong, but I thought we had an apt. but I was leaving since it was 15 min. after. It had gone to HT's cell, and HT called back within 5 min. or so. Apologized profousely (it was a weekend apt) - didn't have calendar with him/her, and since it was a holiday weekend had not thought to check before going off to do personal holiday things. I tried so hard to take the blame - but HT didn't let me. And said, "I feel very bad about this, and there will be no cost to you for our next session." That was huge. One way or another, TT would not have been in error. Somehow it would have been my fault. That HT refused to blame me, and even saw to it that I came out 'ahead' was profound for me. We talked about it many months later (after I confessed to seeing two T's simultaneously). When HT heard me describing the enormously positive therapeutic effect of that experience, HT responded "Jeesh - that's supposed to be a cardinal rule about how to really damage a therapeutic relationship - to forget an appointment. And you're telling mne it helped you!!" We had some good laughs over that - and HT felt much less guilty about that lapse.
Anyway, the difference between the two is that HT is very attuned to the relationship - very attuned to my ebb and flow... very attuned to when something is amiss. While HT always emphasizes my right to refuse, HT manages to get me to talk about very difficult things. Where as with TT things got to the point that I always walked out of there feeling worse, with HT I have always walked out of there feeling better. Even if I felt good walking in, I walk out feeling better! HT pushes me - sometimes where I don't want to be pushed. I can push back, and HT will maintain his/her position - yet allow me to not budge.
Probably the thing is that for HT, there is nothing that supercedes the therapeutic relationship. To HT, the relationship is everything, and nothing else will work if that relationship isn't running well. TT seemed to hold me responsible for the relationship. He would not meet me where I was. I needed him to 'find' me where I was, because I could not figure out how to get to where he was. But it seemed like if my attempt to repair our relationship wasn't perfectly healthy, his way of encouraging me to figure out how to do it in a healthy way was to not engage. For example, if my appeal to him was at all accusatory (like.. "you don't understand me!"), he would make sure that he did not give me the understanding I wanted. I think he intended that to encourage me to ensure an appeal did not contain something 'bad' like an accusatory tone, but the very wounded and invalidated primal part of me needed him to see beyond my inadequacy and provide me with an example of healthy interraction. If he'd said "Solstice, it makes me feel bad to hear you say that, but I really do want to understand you. Can you tell me what I'm doing that makes you feel like I don't understand you?" If he'd had that approach, I think I'd have not been so psychologically traumatized byt therapy. If something was wrong with our relationship, from his viewpoint either I had caused the problem, or my perceptions were wrong. How I experienced therapy did not seem to interest him. I tried to tell him once (in response to his criticism of my attempt to resolve the breakdown) that if I knew how to 'do it right' I would not be in therapy. He didn't get my point. I think he thought I was just admitting to be wrong. I don't think he thought he was 'perfect,' but he could not imagine that he was capable, in his role as therapist, of doing or saying anything he did could be harmful. Once when I described an interaction between us that had been painful for me, he responded "You're questioning my professional judgment." That shut me up. In the past he'd talked at length (rather passionately) about how he digs in his heels fighting anyone who dares tell him 'how to do his job.'
And yes, I still see HT. I think we're coming up on 4 years now. I last saw TT almost 1.5 yrs. ago.
Sorry for the length of this. Now that it seems I've pretty much told my whole story, maybe my future posts will be really short!
poster:Solstice
thread:968352
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20101023/msgs/968398.html