Posted by violette on July 14, 2010, at 14:44:26
In reply to Re: Is there life after psychoanalysis? (trigger) » violette, posted by ralphrost2 on July 13, 2010, at 21:50:28
Wellbutrin worked good for me once...my T said it rarely works alone-w/o augment of another AD, though. But rarely doesn't mean never...
The tension you mentioned-Could it be possible that you are waking up in a state of fight or flight, even if more mild, and that's why you aren't remembering your dreams? Currently, my first conscious thought when I awaken is my T. :) And this is every day now-it's sort of embarassing...but true.
About the loss of self-esteem--Maybe you are coming out of 'denial' and having shame-based feelings? Again, from my experience and what I've read about others' experiences and in the literature--even if you were intellectually aware of 'how bad things were', if you didn't feel it and process it on the emotional level, you may have been in some form of denial. I'm not sure if I'm using that concept entirely correctly, but denial is one of the absolute worst defenses..though it serves a useful purpose in coping initially. (fwiw-I take back what I said about celebrating the loss of your former self and am thinking of that from another angle-instead, consider celebrating the loss of using denial as it is a step towards a healthier inner state.)
If you haven't had many Ts in the past you might not relate-but in reading your post, I was thinking how therapists always ask, at the end of the initial meeting, how you felt about your childhood. I think, people in some sort of denial tend to minimize it, saying it could have been worse, I survived, etc. Or maybe intellectually say it sucked, but not have the body language that parallels an emotionally-based response..This is only a guess-but I think maybe Ts do this to see whether or not you are in denial to assess if things are still unprocessed emotionally.
And this might not be true for you, but this is how it happened with me. My CBT therapists (though well meaning), along with the medications, kept me in denial longer...I never got better as the emotional garbage never got processed. There is a very good reason why insight-oriented Ts repeat in 20 different ways: "how did it make you feel?"....As much as people make fun of that, it has a very useful purpose...
Eventually, all the emotional garbage couldn't be repressed anymore. When I started to 'feel' how terrible my childhood actually was, and this was prior to seeing my current T, I got emotional flooding. It was awful. Flashbacks, nightmares, semi-hallucinations..panic attacks, etc. Well, this was when the loss of my self esteem-similar to how you described-was very apparent to me. It's basically, imo, formerly repressed shame-based feelings emerging from your unconsciousness, as opposed to what is 'depression' and alleviated with meds. Because growing up with abuse or neglect-whether overt or covert-causes toxic shame-an internalization of how parents related to us. And although we cover it up with various defense mechanisms, it is always there--knawing at your consciousness--until we work through it. That's also what I think leads to spiraling into a full depression sometimes...So maybe you are sort of in the middle right now....
Maybe you could consider this possibility? Imo, you might be coming out of a denial of some sorts and the repressed shame is surfacing fully, or perhaps more strongly...
I recently started to get some emotional flooding again, but put it aside, suppressed it, saving it (or bits of it) for processing later; also using rationalization to deal with it for now...which is also healthier than denial or repression, among other defenses...
If shame-based feelings are starting to surface in your case, this could be why your T is changing how she relates with you? When I was already in this state when I got to my T, he has been mirroring me with positive regard and acceptance to fill the gap from the lack of having my childhood narcissistic needs met, which has alleviated those shame-based feelings; providing the nurturing and love that my parents never gave me. Though Ts are different, maybe you are at that stage, or nearing that stage, in the therapeutic process now? And maybe you don't need the ADs, but now need that positive regard that comes from the reparative relationship with your T? Just some possiblities to think about...
It was nice talking with you and I hope you had a good session with your T! :)
(I don't know if I'm going to do a double post this time; instead, maybe the thread could be like those iq tests where you guess the next shape/outcome according to the pattern...) hehe
poster:violette
thread:954254
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20100706/msgs/954474.html