Posted by workinprogress on November 6, 2009, at 1:05:10
In reply to worried about T, posted by blahblahblah on November 5, 2009, at 19:15:46
Hey there Blahblah...
So, I mean this with nothing but concern for you. And I totally get your connection with your T and how important it is to you. Believe me. My T is without a doubt the most important person in my life... she saved my life (not in a literal way, but she helped me see I could live differently). But, this sets off alarm bells in my head.
One of the very unique things about our relationships with our Ts is that it's all about us. We aren't supposed to worry about them or take care of them. And of course that isn't reality, but, the level at which your T has shared her struggles seems to have put you in a place of worrying about her over you. And it seems like it's played out in terms of you now feeling like you have to censor how much you share with her, how much you really open up about what's going on with her. And, that's not what the relationship is about.
Of course it's unrealistic that we wouldn't care about our Ts. My T has had back trouble and I ask how she's doing. Various people on the board have talked about health and family issues their Ts have had that they have shared in order for us to know where they're coming from. But, it's a conversation and the Ts share what we need to know in order to know that their change in behavior isn't about us. I recently felt it very important to share with my T that all this "clicking" and "growth" that came from a workshop I did recently doesn't negate the work I've done with her... in fact, I think it comes from that work. But, I was worried she'd think I wasn't appreciative or thankful for what we've done. But that was about me, my T was fine. She said anything that helps you learn and grow is good and I'm happy to see it. Again, about me.
It may seem selfish for it to be all about me/you, but that's why it works. It's why Ts can't do therapy with people they have relationships with outside the therapy room, because they have a stake in it.
It seems to me that you've gotten wrapped up, or your T has wrapped you up in her issues. That's not so helpful to you, because now you are worried about what you can and cannot share because it might be too much for her. I'm sure that's not her intention, but you are right to ask her pointed questions of how she's taking care of herself. She can't help you if she isn't doing that.
Your inclination to talk to her is right, I'd just be careful that you make it about you. As selfish as that sounds, it seems to me the healthy thing to do. Talking to her about whether she has supervision or a peer group or something to help her to work through whatever is going on. To let her know that you want to talk about it to the extent that you feel confident that she's doing what she can to be present for you... and all about you. But, as much as you care for her, it hurts you to be her therapist, or frankly to do/act in any way that is a reaction or preemption of her feelings/stuff. Once you get there- to a place of taking care of her- it seems the therapy for you might be lost...
I hope it all works out. A close relationship with your T is so healing. I hope you can talk about it and work through it and keep that. But please be careful about muddying those waters... in the end I think you lose a lot...
Good luck and take care of yourself... that's what therapy is about.
WIP
poster:workinprogress
thread:924647
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20091022/msgs/924671.html