Posted by workinprogress on October 22, 2009, at 1:07:46
In reply to Re: feeling needy » workinprogress, posted by Tabitha on October 21, 2009, at 0:03:32
Hey all.. here's the update... or what I wrote in my journal after talking to t. It starts out bad, but it gets way better. It's not pretty, but honest. Tabitha, you're right, it is a really hard one for me...
It's really easy not to be afraid of flying when you don't care if you
crash or not. In fact, it seems an easy answer really- no guilt. I
wouldn't be hurting anyone, at least not nearly in the same way I
would if it wasn't an accident. I don't have the guts to do it anyway-
so it seems the plane crashing would make it easier. It'd be fitting
certainly, given the amount of time I've spent afraid of flying.
Fitting to crash the one time I've felt absolutely no fear b/c I don't
care if I die right now.I feel like dying. I feel like all this time I've been needy and too
much for t and she finally told me so. I know there's
perspective there- but that's where I'm stuck right now. When I talked
to t she didn't reassure me my needs were ok, or that reaching
out to her/needing her was ok. She said that since I've felt more
comfortable I may have pushed it too far. But I feel like (besides the
sick weekend) I've actually reached out less to her than before that
conversation. But- it doesn't really matter- b/c all I know is right
now I feel like I may not trust her anymore. And the thought of that
terrifies me. And I keep trying to figure out how not to have it be
so- what to tell myself so that I don't feel like this was all a lie.
That it was ok to need her and that I shouldn't/can't push her away.Rumble rumble bump- turbulence- I don't care. It doesn't scare me bc I
don't care.Ok- use your tools god damn it WIP!! So- what do I know about
t?1) she always empathizes and puts in perspective my experience,
doesn't blame me or see me as bad2) she has my best interests at heart
3) she said distinguishing bt wants and needs is part of growing up/
maturing- this is just about growth and I need to give myself a break4) it's not black and white/good or bad/ right or wrong- I have needs,
I'm learning about them
- managing expectations
- differentiating bt wants and needs
- figuring out how to meet my own needsI'm learning, it's ok not to have it all perfect.
5) I fear that t is angry at me/tired of me, but she's probably more
patient than thatT probably doesn't hate me, find me ugly or despicable, even if
I became "too much" for her. What's the worst? I learn about wants and
needs and grow- or suppose I'm not ready to learn and either t deals/I
settle back down or she says I can't email/call anymore. But she isn't
going to leave me I don't think. I worry she'll think less of me. She
says she doesn't, but now I don't know. Regardless, she won't make me
leave her, she won't abandon me.I feel better already. I managed to get myself out of black and white/
good and bad/ right and wrong and most importantly- truth and lie.
T's never lied to me. Her feelings may have changed around the
issue, but I don't believe she lied. I feel safe enough to feel
confident she wouldn't outright lie to me. I do know she protects me
sometimes, sometimes she shares less perspective than she shares
later. I think that's what's happened here. It may not even be that
her feelings have changed- but maybe that I've changed and now I'm
ready. She thinks I'm ready to add another layer.What's ok for some developmental stages later becomes not ok right? So
it's not that she switched things, but that I am I suppose, growing up
and it's time to grow out of that stage.Ok t.. I think I might get it. And I think with that understanding I
can still trust you. And I think I just proved I have a good chunk of
tools to take care of myself- by myself- at 35,000 feet- at my
disposal. I think I might care again if we crash. And I'm damn proud
of me for working through that.
poster:workinprogress
thread:921634
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090907/msgs/921912.html