Posted by workinprogress on October 20, 2009, at 1:16:45
Hey there all. I have struggled throughout my therapy with the label of "needy" and "too much". I'm a sensitive, emotional soul.... and often that is "too much" for some people. And I'm not afraid to reach out to folks, but have tended to choose people in my life, like my family (mother in particular), who cannot deal with emotions, particularly intense emotions. So, I've often labeled myself, and been labeled.. needy.
I've been in therapy 2.5 years and we've talked about this on and off. My T has said.. everyone has needs. She's generally convinced me that that doesn't make me bad or "needy". But, it seems, it keeps coming up. I've connected/attached to her and felt "needy". She has assured me that my reaching out to her and needing her is in fact a healthy way to heal.... And I believe that.... In fact, I finally got to the point where I believed that my coping mechanisms of emailing her and calling her (to leave a message- not for response, but just to know someone out there is tracking me) are ok. She even said recently she looks forward to my messages. So... I finally finally... after LOTs of pain, felt ok about my need for her.
Then, today, we talked about fears of abandonment and a recent discussion that sometimes (and I HATE that I do this) I judge people in my head in order to feel better about myself. My brother worked very hard while we were growing up to make sure I knew I was stupid so that he felt smart. So, this behavior is one I abhor and I particularly abhor seeing it in myself. But, we learn what is in front of us I suppose. And I do it, though not "to people" so much as in my head.
Anyway, the discussion went further and we talked about the circumstances around when I do it. In work it's when I feel like I am afraid someone thinks I am/was wrong. In personal relationships I do it when I fear abandonment... when I feel someone isn't noticing my emotions or needs. So, my T pushed on the fact that I can only change my expectations. Maybe I expect more of my friends than I should? That I can change my expectations, but I can't change other people. And that maybe I do expect too much... maybe I do NEED too much is what I heard.
So, after 2.5 years of feeling like we were working on me not feeling bad about myself for having needs, I feel like my T finally said "yeah, you're needy". I know it's more complicated than that... but that's how it feels. And it feels ugly and horrible. And it creates a cycle... me feeling horrible and ugly and then needing my T. When, my immediate response is to try to turn it all off and try so very hard to not need her anymore. But now, I feel like I need her more than ever before... because I feel so awful about seeing myself as "needy".
Does that make ANY sense to anyone? Any advice? Anyone every been through anything similar. I'm so frustrated that I just finally got to the point of feeling like my reaching out to her wasn't something to cure. And now I feel like I have to prove that I can go cold turkey. Ugh...
I'd love any help/thoughts/reassurance you all have. I feel like my T and I have been working on reducing "self-hate" and this session just gave me a reason to pile it on...
WIP
poster:workinprogress
thread:921634
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090907/msgs/921634.html