Posted by workinprogress on October 20, 2009, at 23:41:39
In reply to Re: feeling needy » workinprogress, posted by fleeting flutterby on October 20, 2009, at 11:35:29
Flutterby,Thanks for your note. And thank you for saying I'm "brave", my T has said that at times too. It's nice to hear it from someone else. I don't always think so, I think I just so want to connect, even when folks have pushed me away I haven't stopped trying. But the fear of that rejection is always there... and that's what this is about. So, I get that you're afraid. Though, outside of this moment (which I already feel better) I can say that connecting to her has really made my therapy, it's the reason I've grown as I have. So, if you can push past that fear, even a little, it's worth it.
Thanks for the perspective on looking at it from a friend's point of view, that's helpful, I'll try that next time.
And yep, I am learning and growing a lot. Unfortunately, it seems that the learning and growing that is the most significant is also the most painful. I've got an appointment to talk to her tomorrow. I think that will be helpful, to have some reassurance that she's still there for me.
Thanks for your support and encouragement!
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> > I've been in therapy 2.5 years and we've talked about this on and off. My T has said.. everyone has needs. She's generally convinced me that that doesn't make me bad or "needy". But, it seems, it keeps coming up. I've connected/attached to her and felt "needy". She has assured me that my reaching out to her and needing her is in fact a healthy way to heal.... And I believe that.... In fact, I finally got to the point where I believed that my coping mechanisms of emailing her and calling her (to leave a message- not for response, but just to know someone out there is tracking me) are ok. She even said recently she looks forward to my messages. So... I finally finally... after LOTs of pain, felt ok about my need for her.<<
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> ---flutterby--: This sounds very nice. I think, (if you don't mind me saying so), that you are brave.... I can't/won't accept that I need anyone.... seems terrifying....
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> > My brother worked very hard while we were growing up to make sure I knew I was stupid so that he felt smart.<<
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> ---flutterby--: Sounds just like several of my siblings. I'm sorry you experienced that too.
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> > , my T pushed on the fact that I can only change my expectations. Maybe I expect more of my friends than I should? That I can change my expectations, but I can't change other people. .<<
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> ---flutterby---: Yea, your T. is so right about not being able to change others, just ourselves(IMO). Maybe this thinking would help---- What if a friend expected you to react a certain way and you didn't (maybe you didn't know or realize the expectation or maybe it's beyond what you are even ABLE to do) -- wouldn't it hurt if that friend then got mad at you? If the friend stopped and looked at all the GOOD qualities that you are able to bring to the friendship then maybe she/he would be able to let go of what was expected and be at peace with what is.
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> > So, after 2.5 years of feeling like we were working on me not feeling bad about myself for having needs, I feel like my T finally said "yeah, you're needy". I know it's more complicated than that... but that's how it feels. And it feels ugly and horrible. And it creates a cycle... me feeling horrible and ugly and then needing my T. When, my immediate response is to try to turn it all off and try so very hard to not need her anymore.<<
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> ---flutterby--: Yep, that's just what I do too. cept I don't just "try"-- I do turn it all off and not need at all. I think it's insightful that you see this in yourself-- you just now got me to realize it in myself.
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> >> But now, I feel like I need her more than ever before... because I feel so awful about seeing myself as "needy".<<
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> ---flutterby--: I'm certainly no expert, but it does sound like you do need her more now than ever. the confusion and negative thoughts can be quite overwhelming.
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> > I'd love any help/thoughts/reassurance you all have. I feel like my T and I have been working on reducing "self-hate" and this session just gave me a reason to pile it on...
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> > WIP
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> ---flutterby--: oh, i'm sorry. I hope you can get to a more comfortable place in your mind-- I've been told it does take work. *sigh*..... please hang in there-- I think you are learning and growing so much.
> best to you,
> flutterby
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poster:workinprogress
thread:921634
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090907/msgs/921757.html